Putting Hubby Through

Is It Really Worth It?

2009-03-29T02:00:00.000-04:00

Over the last few weeks I have really been considering if I should keep posting to this blog. The desire to free myself from distractions and grow closer to the Lord keeps tugging on my heart. Some times I wonder if all this technology is even worth the effort it takes to maintain it.

And then there's the issue of privacy. Am I putting my family's life at risk by posting stories and pictures online for the whole world to see? (Although, according to my sitemeter data, very little of the world is actually bothering to look at this blog - probably because I post so sporadically.)

The jury is still out on this one. I think I just need to discipline my daily routine and then determine if there is an open time to blog. Discipline continues to be a central theme in my life.

With Easter and Holy Week approaching, I am especially feeling the call to focus myself on what matters most. Does blogging stack up next to the rest of my priorities? Can I find a time to blog that isn't at 2am when my husband is on hall duty?

When I have the answers, I'll let you know.

Michael Ryan Sleeps Soundly While Mommy Reads Into the Wee Hours of the Night

2009-03-04T23:14:00.003-05:00

Pausing Life for a Good Read

2009-03-04T23:11:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get sucked into a book? Have you experienced a day when all other tasks go to the wayside while you devour the text in front of you? Have you stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, bleary-eyed and immune to time, because you have to know what happens next?

Then you know what I am talking about.

Every once in awhile I go on binge readings. This is nothing new. I can remember nights during my childhood when I would hide under the covers with a flashlight to feed my reading habit, praying that my parents wouldn't notice the light seeping out from the crack under my door.

The past two days I've spent reading State of Fear by Michael Crichton. It certainly is a page turner. And turned the pages I have. My only awareness of time passing came from Michael's demands to nurse. On occasion I thought, man, this kid wants to eat every five minutes, to realize that two hours had passed since I last looked at the clock.

The final page has been turned.

And I have some new ideas to mull over. The whole story centers around the "global warming" hype and the repercussions of ideologue environmentalists. I found it a particularly interesting read in light of all the political developments on the topic these days. Has the State of Fear reached beyond the pages of Crichton's book into today's American society? I am beginning to wonder...

Daddy's Hand

2009-03-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

Concidence? Ryan Thinks Not.

2009-03-01T02:45:00.001-05:00

Ryan was on hall duty tonight. Since I can't seem to find my way to bed while he is still awake, I spent the evening watching movies & clicking around the internet. I stumbled onto this blog, which, coincidentally, speaks of issues I am currently battling: gluttony, sloth, & weight loss.

*Sigh*

I am convicted. I have to make "induced exercise" a priority. I must learn patience (because it sounds like my exercise won't become an enjoyable habit for at least a year). I'm gonna have to get off my duff and surrender my lazy ways.

More on this topic later.

My Favorite Moment

2009-03-01T01:39:00.001-05:00

Thank Goodness, I Am Not Alone

2009-02-28T02:15:00.000-05:00

As I sit here dealing with my own sore chest, it's nice to know that I am not alone in my breastfeeding challenges. I am referring to Jennifer F.'s #3 Quick Takes Friday post on her apprehension to begin nursing a new baby.

When I followed the link to her original breastfeeding post I was shocked to read all the testimonials about nursing challenges - and straight up pain. Until now, all I've been told is the rather aggravating mantra "breastfeeding shouldn't hurt."

Well, it does hurt. And I'm sick of feeling like something is wrong with me because I feel pain while nursing! I've found examples of other women suffering initial breastfeeding pain that only abates with time's passage. Maybe I'm not crazy or disfunctional for feeling pain!

It was also great to get more perspectives on breast yeast infections. I've already gone through one round of prescription meds to eradicate one such infection. But I think it might be back again. I was under the impression that my baby had to have very obvious thrush symptoms to qualify for a yeast infection. Not so, according to Breastfeeding Essentials. Apparently everything can look normal and still be infected.

I found suggestions for treatment options too. Not to mention a clearer understanding of the possible causes for a yeast infection. During Michael's first six weeks I was given at least 4 doses of antibiotics (GBS positive, c-section surgery, c-section post-op, c-section postpardum). Michael also had a dose or two during his NICU stage. Did I eat yogurt to help replenish the good bacteria? Nope - didn't have a clue it was helpful.

After seeing all the comments on Jennifer F.'s blog I see that breastfeeding challenges (and pain) are typical. It's really unfortunate that nursing can be so difficult. And yet, I find comfort in the realization I am not alone.

Wordless (Ash) Wednesday

2009-02-25T19:09:00.002-05:00

Blogging Birthday

2009-02-25T00:39:00.003-05:00

I just realized - this blog is officially one year old! Check out my very first post from February 20, 2008. Wow. What a change my path has taken since that first post. God is good. All the time.

Mardi Gras vs. Lenten Sacrifice

2009-02-24T23:59:00.002-05:00

I am currently waffling between two possible Lenten sacrifices. They are both a huge distraction in my life, especially as I've been tied to my home taking care of a new baby.

#1 - SUGAR and all sugary products, including cookies, cakes, brownies, chocolates, ice cream, syrup, jam, donuts, hot chocolate, soda, and anything else yet unlisted.

#2 - online TV shows. Many hours have been wasted waiting for the show to queue and getting sucked in to just one more episode (it never really is just one).

As I've been reflecting on how best to sacrifice for the next 40 days (not including Sundays, of course) I keep getting a little nagging thought in the back of my mind. Maybe I should go big and forgo both options. Perhaps I could even use my undistracted free time in prayer or spiritual reading. Heck, I might even make these sacrifices a habit and continue through the Easter season - and beyond!

The fact is that I feel the glut of too much sugar & TV. I am ready for a change. I am yearning for a change. I seriously need a change. Lent sprung up on me this year, but it couldn't have come at a better time. I am so ready to purge myself of distraction, to feel the burn of exercising my willpower against vices (and on the treadmill too). I have great expectations for the next six weeks. And now that I've made my pledge a public affair, I can count on you to keep me accountable.

Here's to a wonderful and fruitful Lent 2009!

Fourth Time's a Charm

2009-02-22T23:59:00.002-05:00

Today was one of those days. The kind where I realize that I have to reconstruct my old ways of thinking to include a baby. It's the little things - you know, like getting anywhere on time. Especially getting to Mass on time.

Ryan and I had big plans to make it to the 12:15pm Mass this afternoon. Then he was up until 3am on hall duty last night (for his residence life job), an hour later than anticipated. I need at least 2 hours to get up and out the door on time for mass with baby Michael. I woke up too late. We notice it's snowing like crazy. We decide to attend a later Mass.

So we plan on going to the 5:30pm instead. And then a friend who lives in NY wants to drop by because she is only in town until tomorrow evening. By the time we usher her out the door and dig out the car, it's 5:22pm and we're late. Plus Ryan has work to do and would prefer to go to the 8:00pm Mass here on campus.

I leave to attend a social event and plan to return to campus no later than 7:45pm. Of course, as I'm walking out the door of the event at 7:40pm Michael is beginning to fuss. And it's still snowing. By the time I nurse Michael, change his diaper, and gingerly navigate my way to the car to avoid a total wipeout, I'm late again.

Our fourth and final option is to attend a dorm Mass with my sister on the ND campus. It starts at 10:00pm. I can't believe I'm actually attending a Mass that barely meets the Sunday requirement. But this time I'm ready. We are out the door by 9:35pm and in the chapel before most of the students stumble through the door. I am finally at Mass early.

Then I proceed to spend the next hour jiggling and swaying and making faces at Michael. I may be there physically, but I'm having a real difficult time keeping myself there mentally.

It's just one of those days.

Awe & Amazement

2009-02-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

There are times when I stare at the face of my child in awe & amazement. How in the world is there a little person, who is half of me, living & breathing in my arms?

Where did he come from? How did he get here? Why have I been blessed with this wonderful gift?

I don't think it will ever cease to marvel at the miracle that is Michael Ryan.

Ain't It Crazy?

2009-02-21T00:57:00.001-05:00

Why am I awake at 12:49am?

No, it's not because the baby is awake and demanding a diaper change or nursing session.

No, it's not because I just returned home from a wonderful, romantic date with my husband (while my son was cared for by a loving Grandmother who rocked him into a blissful 6 hour sleep).

Why then?

Because my husband is awake. And I am a perpetual night owl. And he has another all-night project to work on, due tomorrow morning. And I'm too tired to get myself out of this chair, wash my face, and actually go to sleep in my own bed.

Because I am living the life of a pseudo graduate student.

Because my little man is asleep and if I try to remove him from his carseat he will awaken and demand to be nursed back to sleep. And the only time I get to type on my computer is when he sleeps.

So. Here I am. Type, type, typing away...

Six Weeks Older (& Wiser)

2009-01-30T12:20:00.001-05:00

Michael Ryan is six weeks old today. It feels like he was just born yesterday, and somehow, like I've never been without him. We are starting to get used to each other, but I don't yet feel competent in my role as mother.

For example: I'm still wearing pajamas (as in, just rolled out of bed, unshowered, messy hair, the works) and it's officially the afternoon.

Last week I was quite inspired by Michael's entry into the Church and decided to make attending daily mass a priority. All I have to do is walk across the campus parking lot, and there Christ is, ready for me in the Eucharist each day at 12:05 or 12:25pm. The little guy and I made it to daily mass three times last week and twice this week.

I've noticed a marked difference in how well I am able to handle my vocation in the past two weeks, especially on the days I make it to mass. I have a center to my day, I get up and moving, and my inability to be a perfect housewife & mother doesn't bother me so much. Actually, I am more likely to finish those chores & projects that constantly hang over my head when I go to mass!

It never ceases to amaze me how my inadequate efforts to pray and center my day around mass reap such an abundance of peace in my life. My hope is to make mass a habit in my daily life, the action that anchors my routine. And I think it will get easier as time goes on, as I learn how to better care for Michael and as he settles into his own routines.

I'll keep you posted on my progress!

Baptism Day (or, Michael Ryan's De-Paganization)

2009-01-19T18:13:00.000-05:00

Michael is officially a month old today. And today is the first day I've really felt pulled together since he was born. That doesn't mean I've finished all the tasks I've hoped to do. But mentally, spiritually, and emotionally I feel like I am on a better track this week. Good thing it's Monday (and not Friday!). At this moment I've got the little angel face tucked in a sling and he's making all sorts of cute little noises, like he's singing along to the music playing.

Yesterday, January 18th, Ryan & I gathered with family and friends to celebrate Michael's introduction into the Catholic church via the waters of baptism. It was a wonderful day. We had over 30 people who were able to witness our joyous event. I had sent out a mass email last week letting everyone know about the baptism and inviting anyone who was interested to stop by and join us at the church at 1:30pm. How exciting to see my grandparents, ladies from my CRHP group, and all our Steubie friends in attendance! Seriously, Michael is one popular little man.

Ryan and I chose to baptize Michael Ryan by full immersion in the water. It required a delicate dance to get him in and out of his diaper, soft fluffy white towel, and baptismal gown - but with the helpful hands of his godmama, Suzy, we were able to avoid any "accidents" during the baptism.

He looked like a new person after the baptism, he really did. The white gown revealed the difference in his soul in such a tangible way for me. Yesterday I fully appreciated and understood the reason for having sacramentals like a baptismal gown. He looked so pure and fresh in his new outfit! He even smells holy - all spicy and wonderful from his chrism. I love the fact that Michael is now a little saint, without the stain of sin on his baby soul. I hope he always stays this way! He has been smiling a lot today, another factor I contribute to his baptism. It seems like he is happier.

So, now the burden of Michael's pure little soul is really on my shoulders. I think that's why I felt compelled to get up and to mass this morning (well, noon, to be more specific). I want to give him every opportunity to grow in holiness - which requires me to pull my own act together. I think daily mass is a good way to center my days. So that will be my goal. If I do nothing else each day, I want to make sure Michael and I attend mass. Pray for me and my stamina!

Nap Time

2009-01-05T14:53:00.003-05:00

All is quiet round the house (eh, apartment, if you wanna be specific). I've discovered that I can relieve my lap of Michael's cozy little self if I put him in the bouncer and then bounce it with my foot. He just loves to be in someone's arms, that feeling of comfort and movement. And I just love to snuggle him - only it makes typing on my laptop very difficult.

So I have come to a compromise. I am able to see his little face and gauge his needs when he's in the bouncer. I can also do a little work on my computer because my hands are actually free.

Here's the funny thing: I am finally all settled, with Michael nestled down in his chair, and my eyelids are beginning to droop. It's mid-afternoon. The sun is beginning to fade away from the windows. Nap time. I guess all that computer work will have to wait...

The Little Man Who Could (and Does)

2009-01-03T10:33:00.001-05:00

Taking care of a brand new little person is a lot more difficult than I ever anticipated. Just when I think his tummy is full & he's clean all over - something inevitably spews out of his little body. The last day or so has been a rash of spitting up (and one projectile vomiting incident. Seriously, it looked like a fountain coming out of his mouth). The few days before that, peeing out the back of his little newborn diapers. Four outfit changes in less than an hour. Our laundry schedule is on serious overload.

[As I sit here now, with the little man on my lap while I type away, more spit-up arrives on the scene.]

But then an even weirder phenomenon occurs. I start to look into his little eyes, to watch the myriad of expressions that cross his face in the course of 30 seconds, and I fall in love all over again. This effect is strengthened when his little eyes stare back into mine, or when his tiny baby fingers grasp my own adult-sized finger.

Yes, Michael Ryan, I will continue to care for you, change your diapers, wipe the spit-up off your face, change those urine soaked little outfits & bedsheets - even when my OCD cleanliness factor can't stand it anymore (it's a genetic thing - just ask my mother, or grandmothers). I'll wash a load or 2 of laundry every day, even though it takes 3 days for the same load of clean clothes to make it back into the drawers. And, most especially, I promise to keep covering your face in mommy kisses and to always snuggle with you and hold you and rock you and comfort you. Because you are a gift. A very precious gift.

Michael Ryan's Big Adventure

2008-12-30T21:06:00.002-05:00

Today Michael Ryan is 10 days old. That means that we have been out of the hospital as long as we were in it to begin with. Only the last 5 days have gone by much faster than the first 5 days.

I think I've done a pretty good job at trying to recuperate from surgery and not push myself too hard. After three days on the couch with my legs up and darling husband fulfilling my every request (within reason, of course!), I decided today was a good day to run some errands. My mother came up to shop with Michael and me - and to help me do all the heavy lifting & driving, as I am restricted from both activities.

We took little MR to the mall. And it was insanely busy inside. I realized two things on our adventure this afternoon. #1) I love my Chico stroller. It turns on a dime and takes very little effort to push. #2) Other women cannot resist a newborn. I found myself in conversation with so many women, whether we were in the bathroom or the check-out line. They all wanted to know Michael's age - and I was amused by the responses when they found out he was 10 days old. "Good for you for getting out!" one woman told me.

It seemed strange to me. Why was I being applauded for leaving my home so soon after the birth of my child?

Having returned home, totally exhausted, I understand a little better their supportive statements. It's really difficult to go with a newborn, in maternity clothes that don't fit because regular clothes don't fit either (one big motivation for shopping today), and walk all over creation to participate in consumerism. I can't imagine trying to shop without my mother helping me! Every errand takes longer to fulfill and I get worn out so quickly from walking. Not to mention the fact that I have make pit-stops along the way to care for my hungry/wet son.

How in the world am I going to manage these errands on my own in just a few weeks?

Luckily, I still get to cash in the post-surgery sympathy card at the moment. I plan to focus on resting up and healing myself so that when the day comes for me to make due on my own I will be ready for the challenge. Right now, however, I am going to take a nap.

The Best Laid Plans....

2008-12-28T12:00:00.000-05:00

...often go awry. Isn't that the truth? Here is the second half of Michael Ryan's birth story, and how I've had to deal with many unexpected events this week.

After Michael was born our whole family met us in the recovery room. It was beautiful to see the joy on our sisters' and parents' faces. Michael's godmother was even able to meet him, only 5 hours before she had to hop on plane for California. I spent our first night together just staring at his precious little face and watching the sunlight gradually brighten my hospital room. I just couldn't believe he was really mine... And then our families returned on Saturday to hold and cuddle and photograph the adorable new member of our clan.

I noticed throughout the day that my poor little man was having a hard time breastfeeding because he couldn't breathe very well. His little nose was so congested. After awhile we called the nurses to see if they could help him. They tried, but it didn't seem to make a difference. And soon Michael was getting fussy and starting to cough from his congestion. When the nurses returned the 2nd time they brought NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) with them. I was so tired and out of it that when NICU told me to kiss my little boy good-bye I didn't understand why - wasn't he only going to be gone for an hour or so?

About half and hour later I realized that Michael wasn't coming back anytime soon. And so we embarked on four very long and stressful days, waiting for our son to be released from NICU. Saturday night I was an emotional wreak. The c-section had already interfered with my bonding to Michael Ryan, I was beyond exhausted from zero sleep the night before, and now the NICU was holding by baby hostage from me. All I could do was cry myself to sleep all night long.

I spent Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday racing back and forth the the NICU to breastfeed Michael Ryan whenever he started to fuss. It was a long process just to get down there. First I had to take care of myself and make sure I'd received pain meds before I left. Then I would hole up in my corner of the NICU with Michael and try not to tangle myself in his IV and monitor cords while attempting to learn how to breastfeed him. I quickly became friends with the nurses and lactation consultants during our stay!

It was so gut-wrenching to go into the NICU. I missed my son, of course, but at least he was full-term and fairly healthy. The doctors wanted to moniter him because they thought he swallowed meconium and they wanted to make sure he was getting enough nutrition with his late start to breastfeeding. All the other babies though... They were so tiny, smaller than my hand. And I would see their mothers come in, day after day, with no hope of going home anytime soon. At least I could hope to be home for Christmas, only a few days away. I spent a lot of time praying for those other babies, as I held my son who was 2 or 3 times bigger than each of them.

It was a rough four days for Ryan and I. At first we thought we might get to go home on Monday or Tuesday. Then it was Tuesday or Wednesday. Each time the doctor came to update us it seemed like Michael's release date was pushed back. And we just couldn't understand why. All I wanted was to take my little boy home for Christmas!

The other challenge with the NICU was how extremely crowded they became while we were there. It seemed like for each baby that was sent home, 2 or 3 new ones would arrive in his place. Michael Ryan was definitely taking up space that NICU needed for the really sick babies. Ryan and I watched as the rooms became more and more full with little preemie babies.

Finally, on Tuesday night I was officially released from the hospital. Because Michael wouldn't be allowed go home until Wednesday, Christmas Eve, at the very earliest, Ryan and I opted to stay in a "parent room" free of charge at the hospital. We packed up all our bags and moved into another smaller hospital room down the hall. When we went to breastfeed him that evening we couldn't find our little guy in his usual spot! He had been moved to a tiny edge of the room, a little peninsula in the paths of the nurses. The NICU was so crowded that we couldn't even find a spot to nurse our little boy. A nurse had to bring him down to our parent room to nurse and then we had to call for them to take him back when he was finished. It was insane! Why couldn't we just go home?

That's when the NICU had the idea to move us into one of the internal parent rooms, right off the NICU corridor. They would let us sleep in the room with Michael Ryan as long as he was on a monitor. It was like a halfway deal - we did the work of the nurses to free them up, and in return we were "allowed" to sleep in the same room as our son. So Ryan and I packed our bags again and waited to be called down the NICU room. I truly felt like we were Mary, Joseph, and the baby Jesus with no room for us in the inn.

Sleeping in the tiny parent room (filled to the brim with a pull-out couch, recliner, and Michael's rolling crib) was less than comfortable, to say the least. And the monitor would go off in these spastic binges of noise that we weren't able to quiet. In addition, Michael was beginning to jaundice and the doctors were extremely hesitant to release him if his bilireuben levels continued to rise. I wasn't sure if I would be able to survive one more night of sleepless chaos and I was quickly nearing my breaking point.

At last the dawn broke (not that we could tell, as the NICU parent room had no windows) and the doctor release Michael to our care on one condition - we had to take him to a medpoint on Christmas day to do another bilireuben level check. Anything, we told him, would be worth getting to leave this hosptial on Christmas Eve! The last hour was another agonizing wait for the necessary paperwork and suddenly we were in our own car, free to go whereever we pleased. It was like walking out of a dark movie theater into the afternoon sunlight, disorienting but very pleasing nonetheless.

Our little family spent a wonderful Christmas Eve at home with my parents and sisters. I was still exhausted, but so glad to be on my own turf. After 5 nights in the hospital, I finally slept soundly in my own bed, with Michael Ryan cuddled next to me. We woke up the next morning and even made it to Christmas Day mass. I spent a beautiful 24 hours with my family, sans hospitals.

Then we had to go back.

Another day, another challenge. The medpoint where we stopped at to get the bilireuben test for Michael was unable to accommodate us because they were all out of small vials! So off we went to the ER and back to the hospital I just left the day before. We spent over an hour in an empty waiting room before we discovered that someone had dropped the ball and forgotten about us. So, it took us about 3 hours to receive a 1o minute test - and I was again frustrated and exhausted from medical mayhem.

Our Christmas day ended on a more pleasant note with another family gathering at my in-laws' home. All in all, I received the best gift I could ever want - our firstborn son in my arms and at home on Christmas day. He is so perfect and beautiful and absolutely wonderful to behold. I am in awe at God's gift to us, a tiny and trusting little eternal soul to care for the rest of our lives. Even though my hopes for Michael Ryan's birth were different than the outcome, I know that God's plans are always better than my own. Perhaps it is a grace that my plans go awry - so that the greater glory of God will be known.

To read Part I of Michael's birth story, go here.

Announcing the Birth of Michael Ryan!

2008-12-27T11:59:00.002-05:00

Our dear little Advent gift was born on Friday, December 19th at 11:49pm. He came out via an unexpected c-section because the little bugger was breech and we've had a crazy week ever since. The best part of this whole birth experience has been getting to know our newborn son. He has so many cute expressions and ways to tell us what he is thinking or wanting. I've totally and utterly fallen in love with Michael Ryan - and all he does is eat, sleep, and poop!

Here is our story.

Friday morning I woke up in early stage labor, but I wasn't sure it was for real. It didn't really hurt and as I had no idea what a contraction felt like... It was all new to me. What tipped me off was my insane nesting attack throughout the day. Ryan and I cleaned the whole apartment, did some major reorganization of pantries and closets and piles of gifts. And I was determined to wrap all my Christmas gifts before the little guy came. We almost made it.

My water broke at 6:00pm and we were off to the hospital by 7:15pm. At that point I knew it was real labor, and everything was moving fast. They checked me at 8:00pm and I was already 5 cm dialated.

Ryan and I had already decided to go for a natural birth and we just finished our Bradley Method classes on Wednesday. This is the part of the story where Ryan really shines. He eased right into the role of coach and made my labor so easy to deal with. My pain was centered in my back and Ryan spent most of labor massaging all the sore spots and applying counter-pressure during contractions.

All I wanted to do that night was soak in a nice warm bath in the hospital jacuzzi - especially since we don't have a bathtub in our apartment! First, however, the nurses had to give me penicillin drip because I tested GBS positive. It took us an hour just to get the meds to the room (thanks to hospital chaos) and then I had to wait another 30 minutes for the antibiotic to drip into my IV (which, by the way, is rather painful and worse than the actual contractions). It was about 10pm by the time I was going to be allowed to crawl into the tub. And then I felt sick...

So they checked me again. This time, however, the nurse didn't say anything. She just told us that she wanted to take a scan. It turned out that the little stinker had flipped around in the womb and was definitely butt-side-down breech. Suddenly there was a change in plans. Here I was, nearly ready to push him out and really starting to feel those contractions, and they were telling me I have to have a c-section instead. My midwife wouldn't be able to turn him around because I was too far along in labor, at least 9 cm dialated at this point, and they didn't want to risk a prolapsed cord or some other distressing turn of events.

It took another hour to get me from my laboring room to the surgery room. The waiting period was bit extended because my midwife had yet to arrive. It turns out that on her way to the hospital she was hit by a drunk driver! Luckily, she was fine and she made it to the c-section just in time.

I think this was the most difficult time in my labor, both physically and emotionally. The contractions were really intense, but I would have been fine if I knew I got to push soon. Changing plans to a c-section, however, kind of broke my spirit. I no longer wanted to deal with the pain and was totally focused on when the doctors would "take it away." It was a very challenging hour, especially when they had to separate me from Ryan during my surgery prep.

And so, the doctors numbed me up with a spinal block and proceeded to cut my baby out of me. After having gone unmedicated through most of labor and then experiencing a c-section, I can tell you that I prefer the labor pains to the "pain-free" c-section. Give me natural birth any day.

Michael Ryan entered the world by a different route than I had anticipated, but I can truly say he was worth it. Ryan was able to cut the cord, put on his first diaper, and then cuddle our little boy skin-to-skin on his chest while I was being put back together. I am so thankful for Ryan's calm and levelheadedness that night. He freaked out a bit when he found out I had to undergo surgery, but he didn't show it to me. I was also very peaceful about having a c-section. I knew that I did the best I could for our son and sometimes the best laid plans go awry.

And man, oh man, did our plans go awry this last week! I'll have more on this in a continued post...

A Good Read

2008-12-16T22:30:00.003-05:00

Ryan and I recently stumbled on a good book: The Good Girl Revolution by Wendy Shalit. We do this thing where we read out loud to each other (Ryan says it feels like we should be in a Victorian reading room) and discuss our thoughts as we go. Needless to say, we don't move through the book very quickly. But it sure has beefed up our conversations this week. And I'll take any distraction I can get while waiting for Michael Ryan to arrive!

Hangin' With My Hubby

2008-12-14T00:24:00.002-05:00

Ryan is on hall duty tonight. That means we get to sit quietly in our apartment with the door open from 10pm to 2am to make sure the boys are following all the rules. Ryan's job is enforcer. My job is moral support.

I am so tired - this is all I can think to write. It doesn't help that it just now took me a solid 5 minutes to remember the term "moral support" (and I reacted with disdain and disbelief when Ryan vocalized the phrase for me - until I realized he was, in fact, correct).

Only an hour and a half to go...

38 Weeks

2008-12-10T21:36:00.004-05:00

In This Second Week of Advent...

2008-12-10T21:34:00.001-05:00

...I am very tired.

The baby gestational clock is really ticking now. And I am starting to feel the discomforts at the end of pregnancy. It's funny how eventually the bodily pains and impatience overshadow any fears of labor pain. I just want Michael Ryan out! But not at this very moment. He's under specific orders to wait until Baby Sister returns home from Europe on the 14th. And then Ryan is finished with his semester on the 15th. Come anytime after that. Preferably before the 17th - when M.R.'s godparents leave for California. Got all that little-one-in-womb?

With the arrival of Advent, I have been so much more aware of Michael Ryan's impending birth. He really could be a Christmas baby, with a due date on the 21st. And I have a wonderful feeling of communion with the Virgin Mary, waiting for my son, as she waited for her son Jesus to be born. It gives me a deeper perspective on the meaning of Christmas. To think of Mary riding on a donkey for endless miles also keeps me from complaining about my own inconveniences!

I've been trying to take it very slow this Advent season - to really reflect on the season and the coming Christmas celebration. It's been nice to be done with my job, to be able to spend those 40 hours a week working on other projects with an unhurried pace. I am slowly completing a list of tasks before Michael Ryan arrives. Slow is the key word here.

My successes so far: washing & organizing the baby clothes, putting up Christmas decorations, purchasing almost all the Christmas gifts, and (finally!) finishing baby thank you notes. I've also typed up a birth plan, selected a family doctor, and attended my first Le Leche League meeting. I feel about 80% prepared for Michael's birth - enough that I am not freaking out, but all is not quite finished. I still have a stack of baby gifts to sift through & organize, those Christmas gifts need to be wrapped, and I have a couple of photo album projects I would really like to complete. Each day I just try to do the best I can and go to sleep in peace with what I have accomplished.

In this second week of Advent...

...life is good - even if I'm tired.

First Snow!

2008-11-21T12:50:00.002-05:00

I don't like snow. Well, I don't really like snow after dealing with it for a long time. But it's always exciting when you get your first really good snow of the season. And ours has come early this year!

Notice the nice (zipped-up) maternity coat that I am sporting in this picture. I had been wavering on whether or not to purchase a coat because I only have a month left to go. However, my desire for warmth finally trumped my frugality. Yesterday my mother and I went shopping and found a nice, cozy winter coat to fit the expanding dimensions of my belly. And boy, I sure didn't wait a moment too long! The lake-effect snow kicked in about an hour after our stop at the mall. A very fortunate event!

Then last night Ryan and I had to get out and play in the fresh, puffy snow. We threw on our coats over our pajamas and grabbed the camera. I think a few of the hall residents gave us funny looks on our way out the door. I often wonder what they think of us.... I mean, we are obviously older than them, married, and having a baby - BUT - then we have these moments when we can't help but play like little kids.

And then we woke up this morning to...

...MORE SNOW!

Here's a picture of Ryan digging out our car this morning, on his way to class. Even with a foot of snow, and more falling, the university didn't cancel classes. It's an unheard of luxery around here - an honest to goodness snow day.

I am enjoying the snow now. We'll see how long it lasts!

How Can I Live Without the Internet?

2008-11-14T13:45:00.001-05:00

It's really fun to not have to go into work each day. My days are so free! And I now have the flexibility to change my daily routine. For example: Yesterday and today I was able to join Ryan on a trip up to Chicago for an academic conference. He's off listening to intellectual speakers while I get to visit with my friend, Aislinn. It's a pretty sweet deal...

Last night Aislinn, her husband Rich, and I enjoyed a wonderful homemade meal - and I was able to bask in the glow of the newlywed couple. They are fantastically cute. I had forgotten the sweet newness that comes with the first month of marriage. I also spent a good portion of the evening in awe of Aislinn's tiny waist. My pregnant waist is so large right now that it's hard to imagine being slim again!

This morning I sent everyone off to work/conference and hunkered down to get a few tasks done on my computer while I was alone. That's when I realized that the internet wouldn't connect to my computer and I had just sent away my tech support with a dead cell phone! So much for my big plans...

The good news is that I have been able to get online through Aislinn's computer. Even more important: the world won't end if I don't fulfill all of my plans today. Maybe I'll just take a nap instead.

My Best Friend's Wedding

2008-11-12T22:46:00.000-05:00

Aislinn & Rich enjoy their nuptial blessing

The happy couple smiles for the camera

Baby Michael Ryan enjoys being the center of attention with his mama, the Matron-of-Honor, and his papa, husband extraordinaire

Lots to Catch Up On

2008-11-12T22:23:00.001-05:00

I am surprised anyone even reads this blog anymore.... I'm sure not holding up my end of the deal to write on a regular basis! That said, let's move on.

Life has been busy. If I am not sleeping I am running around all over the place. And, believe me, I've been sleeping quite a bit these days (According to BabyCenter.com, 34 weeks pregnant is when the "fatigue" sets in again). In the last month I've celebrated Aislinn's wedding, Ryan's cousin Matt's wedding, and 2 baby showers - and I attended the Center for Ethics and Culture Conference at Notre Dame, as well as the most recent ND football game that went into quadruple overtime. Every single weekend has been booked.

Ryan's life has been heating up too. He's working hard right now to finish his master's proposal. Every night we just kind of look at each other like, "Well, here we are at the end of the day and there's still so much left to do!" The poor guy just can't catch a break. Each evening we hope he'll find time to write his proposal, but some other pressing task (class work, lab work, Hall Director work) must come first.

The good news is that I finally managed to wash the floors last week! Of course, I had the extra motivation of house guests over the weekend to get me moving.

I am also slowly but surely putting our little apartment in order before baby Michael arrives. Each of the wonderful gifts we've received is finding a place in our tiny home. I just can't believe how generous everyone has been with the baby gifts! We've been showered with clothes and blankets and even 2 strollers. There are only one or two items we need to actually purchase. I feel blessed from such overwhelming generosity. And sometimes I just feel overwhelmed.

Anyway, I hope to keep writing more frequently now that I've begun again. (How many times have you already heard that promise?) If you are still reading, check back - you should have better luck than the last month!

Make That An Extended Sick Week...

2008-10-09T21:27:00.000-04:00

This is the little cold that keeps on going... I have just over a day to heal up and prepare for my best friend's wedding on Saturday. As the matron-of-honor, I don't wanna be standing next to her with snot running down my face the entire day long!

Good news: the dress fits (had to exchange it for 2 sizes bigger 3 weeks ago)

If you happen to read this, please send up a few prayers for my health. I would really like to kick this cold by Saturday. I'll keep you posted on the festivities. :)

Taking An Extended Sick Day

2008-10-07T22:32:00.001-04:00

I have a cold. A long-lasting, enduring, drawn-out cold. It's making me tired, thirsty, and unable to speak very well.

Ryan has a scratched cornea (???) - and he's been restricted from using a computer or reading (you know, all the things a grad student has to do for his work) for 48-72 hours.

That makes for a very stir-crazy couple the last 2 days.

You should see us - all scrubbed out in comfy pants, in the midst of kleenex and chicken noodle soup remnants, apartment lights dimmed, playing 2-man Cities and Knights of Catan all day long.

Don't get me wrong, I love taking a sick day. It's wonderful to have a legitimate reason to lounge on the couch, watch movies, and refrain from showering all day long. But two days, stuck in this little apartment with an "invalid" husband is a bit much, even for me. I'm starting to feel the strain of unfinished work, waiting for me to heal up and take care of it. Ryan is also going crazy, losing two days of work and classes.

So, we wait - and wait - for health to return to our bodies. Hopefully tomorrow will bring us an escape from the apartment. At the very least, I'm going to do the laundry!

Perhaps I'm a Bit of an Idealist...

2008-09-30T22:49:00.001-04:00

I have to smile at myself. My friend reminded me that the domestic life does not always (ever?) involve a "calm serenity" in daily life. But she has a good point - there is a peace of soul gained by fulfilling one's vocation. I think that's what I am most yearning for, and what I am beginning to feel. I realize that my day-to-day life will most likely be anything but calm. However, I will be at peace internally because I am participating in the role God has prepared for me. That I am sure of.

28 Weeks (7 Months)

2008-09-29T15:35:00.004-04:00

I'm officially wearing maternity clothes!

How Apropos: The Perfect Feast Day

2008-09-29T15:30:00.003-04:00

Today is the Feast Day of the Archangels Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael. I find it particularly fitting that on my unborn child's feast day I officially begin my career change as a stay-at-home wife/mother. Or, as I am fond of saying, I have begun my retirement from the workforce today!

I have to admit, it's after 3:00pm and I am not yet fully dressed. Nor have I started working on any of my housewifely duties. But the good news is that I've caught up on all my blogs and emails (very important) - and there are no online shows to distract me ('cause I've already watched them).

Transitions are always difficult for me. I knew today would be kind of a waste, as I reassessed my daily schedule and spent the day with no official commitments pressing on my time. It's hard to figure out where to begin. With Michael Ryan still in womb, I don't yet have all the responsibilities of motherhood. However, I want to discipline and prepare myself before he arrives. But I can't think very clearly with the apartment in chaos (and, believe me, there is chaos here, leftover from the last couple of frantic, busy weeks)!

Knowing that today is St. Michael's feast day does clear my mind. There is a purpose, a reason, for my early retirement. It's not because I am tired, or lazy, or just plain bored with the corporate world. My vocation is to marriage and motherhood. I've been dreaming about the opportunity to raise my children, take care of husband, and make our home a delight to live in. My dreams are finally becoming a reality! Now I have to figure out how to get from point A to point B: from the chaos of the DINK lifestyle to the calm serenity of the domestic wife & mother vocation.

The best way to start is to just begin, to get moving. I've got an hour and a half before Ryan returns home. It's time to turn on the Laura Ingraham podcast, wash those dishes, and tidy the house. Eventually all will be organized and I will have a new daily schedule. There's peace in knowing that transitions can't last forever.

What's the Grip Againt Sarah Palin?

2008-09-13T11:26:00.000-04:00

Technically, this is not a political blog. But I can't help expressing my frustration today over the obvious inequalities in the media - specifically concerning Sarah Palin & Barak Obama. Does it occur strange to anyone else that the media is grilling the Republican VP nomination harder than the Democratic presidential nomination?

The thing is, I really like Sarah Palin. I agree with a lot of what she says (not sure on the exact percentage, 80%...90% - I haven't heard all she has to say yet!). I think she is a wonderful example of a conservative woman out in the public sphere. So many of us, conservative women, that is, don't get a chance to make our views known publically. She represents a lot of women in our country, and I'm just one of the many.

I've been catching up on the Palin/Gibson ABC interviews on YouTube (we have no TV - a post on that later!) and Gibson's attitude towards Palin is appalling. He questions her like she's a dumb school kid, in trouble for lying, and he comes off as totally arrogant and full of himself. It really burns me up! Does anyone speak to Obama like that? Not even Bill O'Reilly.

I happen to think that Sarah Palin held her own very well, especially on the final Friday night segment. She laid out her views on abortion, stem-cell research, and gun control very clearly. Gibson kept asking the same question over and over again, implying that she had not made a sufficient answer, when she was very clear to begin with.

Gibson also implied that all women crave abortion rights (if you can even toss around a word like "right" so easily). That really ticked me off. Sure, the topic of abortion is very important in this election. However, having free access to abortion is NOT important to every single American woman. I am sick and tired of my womanhood being represented as "needing abortion" to be feminine. It sickens me. And I'm tired of being quiet.

Sarah Palin, thank you for standing up for your beliefs. We may not entirely agree on the issues, and you may have to defer to the decisions of your presidential running mate - but you stand firm anyway. You give a voice to conservative, pro-life women in politics. And you force the media to redefine it's definition of feminism. Please, please keep it up. We need you.

Catholic Vote 2008

2008-09-11T14:41:00.000-04:00

I was so moved by this video, "Catholic Vote 2008," I had to post the link.

I would also like to give a shout-out to Confessions of a Steubie Wife for putting up the link on her blog, leading to my own inspiration.

24 Weeks (or 6 Months)

2008-09-10T16:10:00.001-04:00

Baby Update

2008-09-10T16:01:00.001-04:00

Along with being MIA for a month, I haven't yet had the opportunity to share our baby news with you:

We're having a boy!

Ryan and I found out this great news during my first ultrasound, about 5 weeks ago. We had a feeling our first child would be a boy, and we were right on target. It just makes sense to me, to start the family with a boy. I always wanted an older brother (being the eldest of 3 girls) - and since it didn't happen for me, at the very least I can provide an eldest brother for my daughters! Since I have so very much to do with deciding the sex of our children...

We decided to name our first son, Michael Ryan. A tradition stands in Ryan's family to give the first son his father's name as a middle name. Ryan is Ryan Daniel, his father is Daniel Norman, and so forth. Michael's name was chosen years ago (as soon as I knew that Ryan would one day be the father of my children). We had to figure out what sounded the best with "Ryan" as a second name. I also wanted to go strong with a saint or Christian name. We found "Michael" to be the perfect choice - after St. Michael the Archangel. Who better to be the patron saint of our firstborn than the defender of heaven?

It's been fun to call Michael Ryan by name. Some women have told me that it makes them feel closer to the baby to give him/her a name. I don't necessary feel that way. I always knew I would have a son first and name him Michael Ryan. My experience of joy comes from being able to talk about Michael Ryan as a real person, with a name. I no longer have to use the terms "the baby," "him or her," or (worst of all) "it" to talk about my child. I am able to give little Michael Ryan a voice in the world, defending his personhood with a simple name. He may not be able to speak for himself yet, but no one can deny his human rights when he is called by name.

It's Been Awhile...

2008-09-09T16:23:00.000-04:00

You might be wondering what's happened since my vacation time (over a month ago). Well, I know at least one person who was wondering - and she lives 5 minutes from me! Let's just say that it's been crazy for the last month. Life has been totally non-stop.

August was a whirlwind of my last full-time days at work, Ryan beginning his duties as Hall Director, guests visiting, friends moving to town, planning baby & bridal showers, and kicking it into high gear with our Christ Renews His Parish retreat preparations. I spent a good part of the month in a daze - and I'm still not sure where all of my time went!

Finally, there has been a shift in my daily schedule, like a breath of fresh air. As of yesterday I began working part-time (noon-5:00, wahoo!) and I feel like a whole new person. I'll be part-time for a total of 3 weeks and then I'm done with the corporate world for good. Wow. Freedom is so close I can taste it! But it's a little daunting too. How am I supposed to discipline myself with such a plethora of free time?

One the one hand, my ministries and social life are really perking up: CRHP, cantoring, scrapbooking evenings, women's book group, Colt's & ND football games, showers & weddings galore... But on the other hand I can actually do housework and errands between the hours of 8am and 5pm! I might even be able to squeeze in daily mass. I feel exhilarated and terrified at the same time.

That's why I grabbed a book from the shelf that has been on my mind for several weeks: A Mother's Rule of Life by Holly Pierlot. The book details how to center your daily life around your vocational priorities. Just like religious groups have a "rule" to live by, a wife/mother can create a rule for her family - a pattern for living that focuses on prayer and daily duties. Essentially, it's the ability to create a schedule that puts God first and finds a time to do all the daily tasks that otherwise seem insurmountable.

Holly outlines the wife and mother's priorities as such:

Prayer
Person
Partner
Parent
Provider

As I was reading during my 30 minute shuttle ride this morning, I felt inspired to finally make a change in my daily life. It's the perfect time. Life is already in the midst of change and I have to find a way to use my time wisely. I've been freaking out over all the stuff left undone, as well as the challenge of facing an unscheduled day in the near future. The time is ripe.

So, if all goes well, I'll be back here on a more regular basis. And I'm excited to share with you how centering my life on a God-focused schedule brings "order to [my] home and peace to [my] soul." If you get a chance, pick up a copy of A Mother's Rule of Life. It has helped me in the past, and I am certain it will continue to help me in this newest stage of my life.

Vacation Time

2008-07-31T08:46:00.001-04:00

I just want to note, for the record, that I am awake and moving at 8:46am on my vacation.

Yes, I know that my concept of time will change forever when the baby arrives. And, yes, I realize that 8:46am is not really "early" by most standards. But considering that my darling husband is still on college time (a weird phenomenon where grad students have one foot in college time and one foot in "real working world" time), I am feeling quite proactive today.

Now it's time for me to head out the door and travel down to my parent's home. I am going to relax in the sun (what better way to spend vacation time?) and perhaps see little Noah again.

The only question is: how am I ever going to go back to work next week?!

The Cutest Moment Ever

2008-07-28T13:32:00.000-04:00

Ryan and I spent the weekend at my parents' house, basking in the summer sunshine, and floating in their refreshing pool. It was wonderful - especially since I haven't been to the pool since mid-June. June was also the last time I've enjoyed outdoor recreation this summer. I've been crazy busy! But this week is my official vacation - and I plan to spend as much of it outside as possible.

While spending time with my family I witnessed quite possibly the cutest moment ever between my dad and Ryan.

Let me set the scene: My parents' next door neighbor had a baby about 3 months ago. All my mom can talk about is this little boy, Noah. She's fallen head-over-heels for him, which is humorous considering that her initial reaction to becoming a grandmother was apprehension ("I'm just not ready to be called grandma yet!").

So, I've been waiting with great impatience to meet and hold Noah in my own arms. Finally, an hour before Ryan and I had to leave, Noah and his mother and big sister, Yara, came over to jump in the pool. I held and rocked Noah and got my "baby fix" for awhile. Then, since I promised Yara I would play with her too, I handed over Noah into Ryan's arms.

Ryan was adorable holding Noah, but that's not the cutest moment ever. I had to smile at Ryan's initial awkwardness, imagining how he would look in December holding his own son or daughter. It was a beautiful preview of what is to come.

The cutest moment ever happened when my dad took Noah and realized a diaper change was in order. I glanced over to see my dad teaching Ryan how to change a diaper. They were intently bent over Noah, who was laying on one of the shaded lounge chairs. What a picture perfect moment! It was Ryan's very first lesson in baby care, and who better to teach him than my dad? Cutest moment ever, for sure.

Best Diet I've Ever Been On

2008-07-24T18:48:00.000-04:00

It's been 18 weeks and 4 days of pregnancy so far. According to most pregnancy sources, the normal weight gain over 9 months is 25 to 35 pounds. I am determined to make this range of weight gain a reality - especially after my mother has freaked me out with stories of gaining 50 pounds each time.

As of this week, I've gained a net of only 4 pounds. The thing is, I'm getting quite big round the middle. And my husband tells me that I look skinnier in other places, like my chubby face. So, I have a hypothesis:

The extra 10 pounds I was carrying around pre-pregnancy are slowly being converted into actual baby weight. The baby is getting bigger and I'm getting smaller -hence the low level net weight gain thus far.

I have to say, this is the best "diet" I've ever been on. I can eat anything I want, I crave healthy food, I don't have a desire to eat really sweet or processed foods, and no matter how inactive I tend to be, I am actually losing weight/fat in all the non-pregnancy places! Wow. And I hear breastfeeding is even better (aka: I get to eat even more).

In all seriousness, I think the pregnancy has actually helped my mind re-prioritize food. I used to emotionally eat and idealize food. Now I eat because I'm hungry and I have to eat. The little baby in womb is very demanding about that. There are even times when I don't take any pleasure from eating, it's just a necessity. And there's a freedom in this lack of pleasure. It means I can no longer emotionally eat - it just doesn't taste good!

Who knew that the antidote to over-eating was being required to eat all the time?

A Walk Down Memory Lane

2008-07-22T19:25:00.004-04:00

I was organizing my photos the other day and came across the pictures from my semester studying abroad. I lived in a tiny Austrian village, Gaming, for four months. Monday through Thursday I studied and prayed in an old Carthusian monastary - and then I traveled around Europe Thursday evening through Sunday. It was quite possibly the most amazing and spiritually uplifting time in my life.

Above is a picture of the church, part of the complex also known a the Kartause. Here's a bit from my journal while in Austria:

In the 1300s, a group of Carthusian monks built the Kartause as a home of solitude an prayer. They remained there, cloistered from society, for 400 years until they were kicked out. During World War 2, the Russians took over the Kartause as their military base. They pretty much trashed the place, even stabling their horses inside the building. Then in the 1980s an architect took over the Kartause and totally renovated it. He offered Franciscan part of the building to use for a study abroad progam, which brings me to today. Franciscan rents out a part of the Kartause for us to live, study, and learn about European culture.

To the right is the building I lived in. As you can see, the Kartause is nestled between the rolling hill (mountains to me, a Midwest girl). These hills surround the whole village and make it feel so cozy! I really miss the beauty of Austria. Sometimes I ache to go back again.

To the left is a close-up picture of my room. We had the best room in the place because it came with a balcony! I knew from the first moment I stepped foot in the Kartause that I was going to have the time of my life.

And I was right.

Too Tired to Post

2008-07-21T21:40:00.001-04:00

I've just been so tired lately. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy, the constant summer activities, or the working full-time and training my replacement. Maybe it's a little bit of everything!

I really am too tired to post tonight. I just wanted to put something up here, so it seems like I am still maintaining this blog...

Before I go, I'll leave you with a slightly dated photo. I am currently 18 weeks along, but this is a picture of my growing belly at 16 and 1/2 weeks. I'm sure the baby is taking a lot of energy out of me!

Wahoo - I'm finally showing!

Where Does All the Time Go When I Have Nothing to Do?

2008-07-11T12:38:00.001-04:00

I've noticed: on the days I have less required of me I am less efficient with my time overall.

It's a curious phenomenon. You'd think that with more time on my hands I would naturally spend it doing more of those necessary daily tasks. However, I've found quite the opposite to be true. I prefer to do nothing at all!

Here's an example: This week was the first in a long time that I've had every single evening free of commitments. But as I contemplate the past week I realize that all those little projects I've left "until later" are still waiting for me to finish them. Plus I just plain stopped doing household chores - such as dishes & laundry.

What have I been doing with my time? Hmm... Reading my new baby books, watching movies, and updating Facebook. It's all very important - at least that's what I tell myself.

I think it's all boils down to discipline - or the lack thereof. When my schedule is full I am required to discipline myself for the sake of my sanity. But it's not be a real, life-changing type of discipline I put on. It's actually the college style I've-got-a-paper-due-tomorrow-morning-and-I-procrastinated-until-now type of discipline. Fleeting.

As I was reading my new baby books (The Baby Sleep Book & The Baby Book by William & Martha Sears) it dawned on me that I'm never going to be able to handle a new baby if my life is already in chaos at 4 months pregnant. I've got to set a basic standard before the baby arrives. How can I expect to teach my baby when/how to sleep if I don't have a regular sleep pattern for myself? And how can I expect to get on a regular sleep pattern with a newborn if I've never had set schedule before?! (I do realize that there is no such thing as a "regular sleep pattern" with a newborn - but I'm learning that you can teach babies the difference between night and day, which leads to an eventual bedtime.)

The moral of my ponderings? I must return to the roots of discipline. I am motivated. I've wasted a week. But now I'm motivated.

Or maybe I'm yet again on the eve of a college paper....

Let's hope this change is for real. I'll report back to you to keep myself accountable. Now I've put it out there I've got to do it.

Lilo & Joel's Wedding

2008-07-04T18:17:00.000-04:00

This is one of my most favorite photos from the wedding mass. Lilo & Joel were just married. You can see the rings on both hands - Joel has to wear his on the right hand because it's easier to put on than the left hand.

There are still the remnants of the accident, but there is a much stronger sense of perseverance. These two were determined to get married on June 28th, no matter what! And now they stand as man & wife, ready for all the joys and trials of marriage.

Apartment Photos!

2008-07-04T18:12:00.000-04:00

Our old apartment - getting ready to move out.

Our new apartment - the "before"

Our new apartment - after tidying up on Sunday!

Our new kitchen, from the viewpoint of the living room

My newly organized pantry!

Wedding Season in Full Force

2008-07-02T12:45:00.004-04:00

I just realized that it's been nearly 2 weeks since I last posted and if I don't post now it's not going to happen for another week!

Life has been crazy. When I last left you we were approaching moving day. Rather than intimately (and excessively) detail all the fun and exciting events, I thought I would leave you with a synopsis instead.

SATURAY, JUNE 21 - Finished packing and moved all the furniture with the help of 6 friends, 2 trucks, and a philosophy discussion over pizza & beer. Enjoyed the evening with more friends who cooked us our first dinner in the new apartment.

SUNDAY, JUNE 22 - Ignored the mess in the house and finally concentrated on my CRHP (Christ Renews His Parish) meeting later that evening. It was kind of important, considering that I'm the leader...

MONDAY, JUNE 23 - Took the day off from work to sleep-in and clean the old apartment. We turned in the keys. Then we immediately went over to Lilo & Joel's new house to help paint. I avoided the paint fumes by playing with the electric screwdriver - the only appropriate job in my condition.

TUESDAY, JUNE 24 - Returned to work for a short 2 days. In the evening Ryan and I went back to Lilo & Joel's to help move in the furniture. Again I found another (appropriate) task - housesitting while guys were out with the trucks picking up new loads.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25 - Another day of work. Then Lilo's bachelorette party. Since I couldn't enjoy the dollar margaritas at Hacienda, I encouraged others to enjoy them in my stead. I also became the principle photographer for the evening.

THURSDAY, JUNE 26 - Joined the bridesmaids and mothers at the spa for a pedicure and nail polish in the morning. Then I shopped for a dress for the wedding (there's no better time than the day before an event for a procrastinator!). In the evening we hashed out the wedding rehearsal and enjoyed a nice dinner afterward. Again, I committed the day to memory via my sweet digital camera.

FRIDAY, JUNE 27 - Chaos ensued! I joined the girls at my mother-in-law's home for hair, make-up, and getting dressed. I felt pretty suave at my photography skills until the professional came. Then I rushed home to get ready, rushed to the church to decorate and take a few pictures, and basically didn't sit still until the wedding mass began. Lilo & Joel were married. It was a sobfest. Then we partied late into the night...

SATURDAY, JUNE 28 - It was a pajama day! I decided to do nothing all day long - which involved a Bones, Season 2 marathon and french fries from Culvers (the only kind in town that are crinkly).

SUNDAY, JUNE 29 - Ryan and I (finally) tidied up our new apartment. I reorganized the pantry and bookshelf, which made me very happy. At least 1 room in the new place now looks livable. I spent the evening with my CRHP ladies.

MONDAY, JUNE 30 - Back to work to train my replacement temp. Come October I am no longer an employed woman - I'm a stay-at-home (almost) mom! In the evening we enjoyed a steak dinner at my in-laws home. Everyone was still coming down from the wedding high over the weekend.

TUESDAY, JULY 1 - My houseguests returned home. I was sad to see them go, but they'll be moving to town in 3 weeks! Suddenly everything was very quiet...

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2 - Today I must order or create invitations for my best friend's bridal shower. She was my maid-of-honor and I will be her matron-of-honor in October. I've also got to pack to go to Columbus tomorrow - we have another wedding to attend! As soon as one wedding event ends, another starts up. It's truly Wedding Season in full force!

*Note: I originally wrote this on Wednesday, but got so busy that I forgot to finishand post it until Friday afternoon! I'm keeping the post date for July 2nd, as that was my original intention.

Funny How My Pathetic Attempts at Trust Always End Up Overwhelming Me With Grace

2008-06-17T13:55:00.000-04:00

It occurred to me last night that this move will be doable. I don't know how. I have a very flimsy plan. But all the concerns I've been holding onto so tightly are just slipping away - like when one tries to grasp sand in his fist. The more I voice my doubts, the more obvious it seems that my arguments are weak and pathetic.

I saw the new apartment last night. There is space! And there are closets. And - perhaps - I might even like it better than the current apartment. Maybe.

I also attacked the packing.

First came the list for my mother-in-law and Baby Sister - who are beyond wonderful! They are going to help me pack while I'm at work. I just left them a list of things to pack and they are going to make it happen. When I return home this evening there will be magically full boxes, ready for transportation.

As I was explaining the list to Baby Sister she just looked at me and asked, "And what else?" As in, it really won't take us 3 hours to pack the things on your list - add more to it! Well... Ok... I guess the packing won't take quite as long as I had anticipated. The list increased.

Ryan also informed me that we have two strong men to help us from his Christ Renews His Parish group. One comes with a truck. More blessings!

So, all three of my original concerns are answered: a free truck, volunteer crew, and no penalties for leaving early. I barely moved my will in the direction of trust and I am already answered tenfold. Amazing. Grace.

Monday Moving Madness

2008-06-16T15:56:00.002-04:00

We have 5 short evenings until our big move on Saturday - and I'm currently stuck at work where I can only contemplate the tasks at hand. I'm itching to start some real packing!

I'm also covered by a general feeling of apprehension as I watch the clock slowly tick down the last hour of work. We're walking straight into chaos tonight. Who knows when it will end?

Tonight Baby Sister arrives to spend 2 weeks with us before Lilo and Joel's wedding. She's taking a summer course and needs a place to live. But I have to be responsible and feed her! So I must go grocery shopping (Ryan and I have been living off free food in various forms for the last month or so) and then check out the new apartment (we received the keys today) so I can plan on how exactly to move all of our stuff.

Baby Sister has assured me that she is quite excited to be living with us and helping us move. It must be nice to be so carefree! I think she will be most helpful. Well, when she's not working like crazy on her accelerated Intro to Greek language class... But I'm determined to just let the chaos happen and trust that somewhere in the midst of it all the necessary aspects of moving are occurring.

It should be an interesting week, to say the least.

Are We Crazy?

2008-06-12T16:07:00.000-04:00

Last night Ryan informed me that we are not moving mid-July as I had anticipated, but next weekend instead.

I replied, "Sure, honey, whatever you say. I'll follow your lead wherever you go and do what you think is best because you are my husband and head of our household and you only have our best interests in mind."

Only it came out at little differently, more like, "No freaking way I'm moving in a week."

Did I mention that the intended moving weekend falls between 3 wedding weekends, one of which is his sister Lilo's wedding, and it will be the same weekend that Lilo and Joel move into their new house?

After some tense discussion (in front of his mother and sister too, as we were at their house when the discussion arose) I played the "I'm pregnant, tired, and it's past my bedtime" card to avoid any further discussion. I also tenuously agreed to move in a week, so long as Ryan provided me with certain proofs of sanity insurance: an inexpensive moving vehicle, a volunteer crew, and permission to leave our current apartment early without penalty.

Are we just plain crazy?

Ryan thinks this coming week will be the calm in the storm for his summer graduate work. He doesn't really get a "break" for the summer. And the closer we get to August the more involved he becomes with this masters work. So, moving early means one less thing to deal with in July. He's willing to push through, pack and move in a day, and be done with it.

I, on the other hand, have a great opportunity to surrender my desire for control and trust unconditionally. My head knows that we can do if we have to (because we packed and moved in 3 days last summer), but my heart was so set on having another peaceful month. We have 3 weddings and traveling to do in the next 4 weeks. I just wanted to be able to enjoy myself before I had to think about moving.

And I like our little apartment. Let's be honest. I am comfortable and I dislike change, especially when I don't know all the details. What if the new apartment (which happens to be in a dorm) is not as nice as the one we have now? Last summer we upgraded. It's far more difficult to downgrade. I am cringing at the thought of a bad change.

The silver lining today is that I've decided to follow Ryan's lead and be at peace with moving next weekend. I can shove the whole decision making aspect of the move onto his shoulders and just show up. Right now I don't know how it's all going to work out moving day. But Ryan has enough enthusiasm for both of us. I only have to agree. And God will take care of the rest.

The Big Two - Our Second Anniversary

2008-06-10T20:48:00.000-04:00

Today Ryan and I have been married for 2 years. That seems like both a long and a short time. In the overall scheme of life 2 years isn't very long. And we hope to be married for many, many years. At the same time, I can't imagine not being married. It's so natural to me - to be Ryan's wife. It feels like we've always been married, it's just so right.

It's interesting to think back on how our lives have progressed in the last two years. Here's a synopsis:

May 2006: Graduate from Franciscan University
June 10, 2006: Our wedding day
June 2006: Move into a new apartment, town, and school; Prepare for graduate school
August 2006: Ashley starts a temp job on campus and Ryan's graduate school classes begin
October 2006: Ashley begins a brief entry into her favorite ministry, Catechesis of the Good Shepherd
May 2007: Ashley's temp job becomes a salaried position, Ryan's stressful 1st year of graduate school comes to a close
June/July 2007: Move to a new apartment
August 2007: Ryan changes departments and advisors (the best change ever!)
September 2007: Joel's accident happens and very long recovery begins*
February/March 2008: Ashley & Ryan attend Christ Renews His Parish retreats, and enter into a new ministry with the church
April 2008: Find out we're having a baby!
May 2008: Ryan's 2nd year of graduate school ends

And coming soon...

June 27, 2008: Lilo and Joel's wedding (postponed from December)
June/July: Move to another new apartment
August 2008: Begin job as Residence Directors and Ryan's 3rd year of graduate school
December 2008: Welcome our first baby into the world

*Note: Lilo is Ryan's younger sister and Joel is her fiance. At the end of September he burned over 65% of his body when his car caught on fire while he was changing the fuel line. He spent 6 weeks in a coma, 2 and a half months in the hospital, and they had to postpone their December 2007 wedding until June 2008. This past spring he spent another 6 weeks at the Mayo clinic. He's had about 10 surgeries so far, but the end is not yet in sight. Right now Joel has partial use of his right arm and hand and very little use of his left arm and hand. His face and most of his legs were not burned in the fire - it was his chest, back, arms, and hands that suffered the worst burns. Prayers for our family are greatly appreciated - especially as their wedding approaches. Please pray that Lilo and Joel are able to enjoy their wedding day!

2nd Doctor Appointment

2008-06-09T20:31:00.000-04:00

Wow. I am so ready for this next week to be over. Then I am officially in the 2nd trimester. Everyone keeps telling me that it gets better in the 2nd trimester. And I need more energy. Not only is the blog suffering, but my general life is on hold as well. So, I will do the best I can to catch up and restart, beginning today...

Ryan and I went in for our second doctor appointment on Thursday, June 5th. It was actually pretty short. They just gave me the results of my blood test and told me to bring back a food journal for my next appointment. Then we were able to listen to the baby's heartbeat. It was amazing, but surreal - I am not sure that I really feel pregnant yet. I don't think that feeling will occur until I actually feel the baby moving around.

Part of me was a little disappointed that I didn't suddenly feel different when I heard my baby's heartbeat. I guess I had expected some kind of supernatural change to come over me. Other women have talked about it being the moment they felt like a mother. I didn't really experience an overwhelming sense of motherhood. In fact, I thought, "Huh, that's a strange sound coming from my abdomen..." My head and heart are not really connected in the situation. I know I am a mother, but I don't yet know I am a mother.

One thing that struck me this week is the size of my baby. He or she is now approximately the size of a lime. I can imagine all the tiny features on a baby this size. And my stomach is starting to protrude just a little bit (although I still pretty much look like I really need a good ab workout to the general eye). I also found out that the baby will respond to pressure on my stomach. If I poke my stomach, he will move in response. I can't feel it yet, but it's happening. So cool...

Anyway, it's my bedtime now. I need as much sleep as I can get these days. And since I want to have some energy tomorrow, I really need to wrap up my evening pronto. Don't worry - I'll be back soon!

Sleep Most Important

2008-05-30T16:29:00.000-04:00

It occurred to me yesterday, when I was feeling utterly miserable, that sleep could be the pivotal factor in a happy pregnancy. Let me 'splain...

I've noticed that on the nights I make sure to go to bed earlier and get enough sleep (although, enough is a word open to interpretation these days) I wake up the next morning and have a great day. Food tastes good. I have energy. I go to work and then come home and putter around doing housewifely things (such as dishes, laundry, making the bed, etc.).

However... On the nights I stay up and hang out with hubby or read Lord of the Rings far past my bedtime I wake up the next morning feeling AWFUL (yes, it's that bad - and no, I'm not whining). It's not only that I'm tired, but nothing tastes good, I have no energy, and I am pretty much useless at work. It used to be that sleeping 6 hours instead of 8 hours just made me tired. Now I feel sick and useless. Forget about coming home and tidying the house - ain't gonna happen.

I'm not sure if this is a wide-spread phenomenon or if it's just me. Either way, my big plans this weekend definitely include shutting off the alarm and sleeping until obscenely late on Sunday morning. Thank goodness for 12:15 Mass...

P.S.

2008-05-28T09:24:00.001-04:00

This week my baby is "barely the size of a kumquat," if you were curious.

Can't Believe It's Not Monday

2008-05-28T09:22:00.001-04:00

Memorial weekend was wonderful, full of exciting events (early morning rummage sales, shopping for maternity capris and a new bathing suit, honest-to-goodness real warm weather, organizing the huge pile on my desk), and a wonderful vacation from work on Monday and Tuesday. But now I'm a little disoriented. Although today is Wednesday, it's like my Monday of a very short week. And I'm a little behind on my daily life. When I take a vacation I tend to believe that all time stops. It's beyond weird to discover that time has, in fact, been racing along despite my perception.

Anyway, I can't stop to long to update the blog because I have actual work to do today. Luckily, Friday is almost here!

A (Nearly) Finished Scrapbook

2008-05-22T15:49:00.000-04:00

For the past several months I have been working on a scrapbook with my mother-in-law. I think we began it last August - but took a long break from October to January. It's been a long project, to say the least. And we finally reached the joyful moment of putting the finished pages in the album last weekend. Just in time.

The scrapbook is actually a gift for Ryan's youngest sister, Steff, who is graduating from high school at the end of May. It's tradition in their family to prepare a scrapbook of the graduate's 18 years of life and present it on graduation day. I was called in to help with the project because Steff was the scrapbooking queen for her older brother and sister, and there are no younger siblings to carry on the tradition for her. It actually worked out well because I love to scrapbook and I really love my newest little sister.

It's been such an interesting project for me to work on. First of all, I've spent a lot of time in cahoots with my mother-in-law. I am so thankful that we get along really well! We've had a lot of fun shopping at the huge scrapbook store for colorful papers and stickers and sifting through boxes of old family photos. I've tried to keep her motivated and on track and she's let me take charge of organizing the project. We've spent countless hours together in the basement pouring over stencils, scissors, and adhesives with old chick flicks on tv keeping us company in the background. In the last year I've spent more time with her than any of my other girl friends!

Secondly, it's quite intriguing to piece together a scrapbook of someone else's life. I showed up in Steff's family about six years ago and have my own perspective on her life from that time. Until 2002, however, it's mostly unknown to me. How are you supposed to pick out the most important memories for someone else? But it's been fun to delve into her life, to see pictures of her growing from a baby into a young woman. So, I just picked my favorite pictures and went crazy on the page design.

Third and finally, I've realized that this project really is a labor of love. There was a moment a few weeks ago when the thought suddenly occurred to me that I would not be the owner of the pages I had so painstakingly created. As an artist, it was a sad moment to know that I was giving away a piece of myself, never to return. But as a sister I was able to embrace the sacrifice because my love for Steff is so much greater than my selfishness. And I knew that of all people Steff would understand the nature of my gift.

She graduates in 8 days. The 2 volume album contains over 120 total pages. There are only 3 pages yet unfinished. I've spend almost every weekend for the last 4 months pouring over this book. But most importantly, I've gained more than I've given - in relationships, self-sacrifice, and introspection. Now it's time to begin the work on my own scrapbooking projects!

Would That Be Green or Purple?

2008-05-20T09:58:00.000-04:00

Did I mention that our little baby is now the size of a grape?

Disappointed in Prince Caspian

2008-05-20T09:51:00.003-04:00

I'm a big believer in the "don't mess with a good thing" philosophy. And I am especially critical of books turned into movies. The best movies deviate very little from the written masterpieces. After all, isn't the movie created because the book was such a hit? Which brings me to my disappointment in Prince Caspian.

On the surface the movie was quite enjoyable. The costumes and makeup were rich in detail, the outdoor locations were gorgeous. The film technique was interesting with varied shots and angles - and it caught the lighting so well in the woods. An even bigger bonus - the young actors did a great job. I really enjoyed the "artsy" outer layer of the film. But the plot ruined it for me.

The plot barely hung onto the fringes of the written story and left out the deep character development that gives Prince Caspian it's substance. It wasn't just that the director added romantic tension between Susan and Prince Caspian (which pulled us away from Susan's real focus in the book - her relationship to Aslan), but he eradicated almost all of the Christian allegory.

There were two bits of dialogue that left me with an uncomfortable feeling, like something just wasn't right. After the movie I talked with Ryan about it and he was able to clarify what the movie said versus what C.S. Lewis originally wrote.

Scene 1: Lucy has just found Aslan in the forest, after she has ridden from battle in search of help. She asks Aslan if the events in Narnia would have been different if she had sought him earlier. The movie version has Aslan tell her that we can never know the what would have happened while in the book version Aslan actually says that no one is ever told what would have happened if she had acted differently. The difference is subtle but so important! C.S. Lewis wants us to know that Aslan has the power to see the end result of all choices Lucy is offered, just has God can see the different outcomes to the choices we are offered. In the movie Aslan seems just as clueless as the little girl he guides. There is no sense that an all-powerful Aslan (God) knows the different outcomes of Lucy's choices.

Scene 2: Aslan is sending the children back to England after their adventure in Narnia. Aslan's explanation to the children why Susan and Peter will not return to Narnia in the movie is very different from the explanation in the book. In the movie Aslan tells the children that Peter and Susan have learned what they can from Narnia and now must learn what they can from their own home. In the book Aslan tells them that Peter and Susan have learned to love him as best they can in Narnia and now must learn to love him by his name in their own world. Aslan is a Christ-figure. He's telling the children in the book to go back home and grow deeper in their relationship with Christ. The movie takes out all reference to God, Christ, and the real nature of the children's relationship to Aslan.

When you look the two versions of Prince Caspian side by side the movie pales in comparison to the book. The director obviously thought his audience couldn't handle a film with deep character development, as the children struggle primarily with their relationship to Aslan (God) - and therefore took out all reference to God, replacing it with a fluffy romantic anti-relationship between Susan and Caspian and extra battle scenes that don't exist in the book version.

I am quite disappointed to find the work of C.S. Lewis severed from it's original content and meaning. And I'm just not sure if I want to waste my time on any other new movie versions of The Chronicles of Narnia. Maybe I'll just stick to the old BBC versions from my childhood, even if they don't look as cool on the surface.

My Little Kidney Bean

2008-05-14T12:30:00.000-04:00

I feel like a terrible blogger. Two really good posting days have passed me by and I have failed to post anything new. So here's a shout-out to Mother's Day (Sunday, May 11) and to the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima (Tuesday, May 13). I feel better now.

* * *

So, I've been thinking: Right at this very moment I have a tiny baby, the size of a kidney bean, growing inside of me. I don't look very different yet (although I did take pictures on Sunday to commemorate achieving 8 weeks of pregnancy), and I have gained a total of about half a pound. I'm ok with that weight gain. I'm supposed to gain about 5-7 pounds in the first trimester and I was at least 5 pounds overweight to begin with. I think my body is adjusting itself.

For some reason the kidney bean image resonates with me. Perhaps it's because the shape is correct - my baby has a big head and tiny arms and legs, and is all curled up in a little semi-circle. Sometimes I can't quite wrap my mind around what is actually going on inside of me. But now that my baby is the size of a kidney bean... Well, that size makes sense to me.

I read another women's musings on pregnancy recently (and desperately tried to find the original source for my own post, but have no idea where to find it, so here's a shout-out to whoever you are) and was struck by her words.

During the time when I discover I am pregnant until I am able to feel my child moving in my womb, I feel the closest to God.

Or something close to that. It's not a direct quote. But the essence of her words has stuck with me since reading them.

The time I am in now is such weird time to be in - knowing that I am pregnant, but not having any "proof" of it. I don't look pregnant yet, I can't feel the baby moving inside of me, and I don't really feel the effects of first trimester sickness. And there's still a possibility that something could go wrong and I could have a miscarriage. So I've got to have patience and trust that God will take care of me and my little kidney bean. Not only do I have to trust that a new person really is growing inside my womb, but I also have to act responsibly for my baby. This is a time that requires my faith to increase beyond what I know through my senses.

I don't necessarily feel closer to God at this moment, but I understand why the other mother does. Right now it's hard to connect with my baby, to even believe he or she is really there. So now is the time to throw myself into my Father's arms and trust Him, to let Him take care of us both. In becoming vulnerable, God will draw me close to Himself.

And my little kidney bean will continue to grow. Soon I will be able to hear a heart-beat and to feel little feet and hands punching me from inside out. I won't need to have faith that my baby is there because I will know from my sense experiences that he or she exists. I will have my "proof" at last. It makes this time important for my relationship with God. I understand why the those words have stuck with me. I have an opportunity at this moment to do more than just wait.

Our First Doctor Appointment

2008-05-10T12:26:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was our first doctor appointment. And now that I think about it, we never did see an actual doctor... But that is because Ryan and I have decided to try a midwife for our first pregnancy. She comes highly recommended by my chiropractor - and why not stick with more natural medicine if that's what I'm already used to doing?

The truth is that I have no idea what I am doing and yesterday I was a little nervous.

I get that way when I have to do something new or different. In the two years Ryan and I have been married I've never even visited the medical complex that I will now be frequenting over the next 7 months. I don't really get sick and I'm never accident prone. In fact, I've only been to hospitals to visit other people. I just don't like pain and I will avoid at any cost the type of activities that might cause pain. And now I'm on this roller coaster of pregnancy that will inevitably end in the extreme pains of labor. Hence, my nervousness.

Luckily the appointment yesterday calmed my agitated state. It was your basic informative meeting. The nurse practitioner walked us through what to expect over the next 7 months. She also gave us a stack of literature on how to maintain a safe pregnancy (i.e. what type of foods to avoid, how to exercise, behaviors to restrict, etc.). We even received a little "gift bag" of prenatal vitamins and baby magazines.

Once the nurse started talking I realized that I already knew a lot of the information she was imparting to us. In college I took an embryology class (and freaked out because we talked so much about the problems of pregnancy that it seemed nearly impossible to give birth to a healthy child!) and I've done a little bit of my own online research in the past 3 weeks. The nurse's words confirmed my own knowledge and felt more like a refresher course than a brand new subject. It was soothing to hear her speak on familiar topics. She also seemed to know just what to say, almost reading the questions in my mind.

More than anything, I was thankful for Ryan's presence at the appointment. It was never a question if he would join me - but I can't help appreciating his support anyway. I know he will be at my side throughout this pregnancy, catering to my silly whims and protecting me from harm. He will be my strength at the delivery and my child's advocate from the moment of birth until we arrive safely home. Ryan's support and strength give me peace in a time of uncertainty and unanswerable questions. I can't imagine going through pregnancy without him. More than anything, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my husband, this man shaped by God and chosen for me in marriage. I don't know why I deserve him; I am humbled at the goodness of the Lord who brought us together.

Although I diverge from the story of our doctor appointment, I can't help but mention my husband. He was quiet through most of the appointment, but always at full attention. And he will continue to join me for these appointments - especially as they become more exciting and we learn more about our child.

It all feels real now. We are really going to have a baby. The adventure has just begun...

Eating for Two (or; Having to Eat is Not as Fun as Wanting to Eat!)

2008-05-07T17:20:00.001-04:00

The first question I am asked these days is "how are you feeling?" Most of time time I can smile and claim that I don't really feel different. Maybe I am more tired and hungry than before pregnancy - but mostly I feel the same as I did two months ago. Since a few days ago I think a different answer is required of me.

I am very lucky. I haven't been sick. But I don't feel "well" either. I am in a constant state of uneasiness and slight upset stomach. It's not the kind of thing that debilitates me - it's just annoying. And I am beginning to feel little bit less excited about being pregnant. I mean, no one told me that it would be a breeze, but somehow I had the distinct impression that I would feel blissful through the majority of my pregnancy. Aren't pregnant women supposed to be so happy and glowing?

I keep thinking about the conversation I had with my mother and grandmother the day I told them the good news. They both assured me they never suffered from morning sickness. But my mom told me that she constantly ate to stave off the feelings of nausea. She said she gained her 25-30 by the time 6 months rolled around because she was eating all the time! Oh, no. I am so prepared not to gain anymore weight than what is necessary!

I think I am beginning to understand just why my mother ate so frequently.

Since becoming pregnant, I've found out that I am required to eat more often. I am not talking about they stereotypical "eating for two cause it's just an excuse to gorge myself." When I feel hungry I also feel sick. And then my blood sugar drops and I feel faint. I actually have to put food in my body or it gets angry at me! Eating frequently also requires extra meal preparation. I have to bring twice as much food to work to last me throughout the day. And it has be high in protein (or it's just not worth the time it takes to eat it). *sigh* It's a lot of work to eat properly these days.

I can't help but compare my current eating habits to those in my past. Gluttony has always been a temptation for me. I love to enjoy food! If I'm watching TV or a movie, I've got to have something to munch on. At dinner I always grab seconds - and one cookie is never enough to satisfy my craving. My freshman year of college I gained my frosh 20 in the first semester (thanks, in part, to the all-you-can-eat buffet). Since college I've battled with my weight, at least mentally/emotionally, but I've not been successful at permanently curbing my eating habits.

Now it would seem that I can finally relax about food. I will gain weight - and that's a good thing, not to mention an unavoidable change. I have a free pass to give into my cravings and eat exactly what I want when I want it. The only problem is that I don't really enjoy eating anymore! It's become more of a chore than a pleasure. And, to top it all off, I never really feel settled or satisfied after I've eaten.

Well, I keep thinking that I've got one more month to slug it through the not-fun part of pregnancy. I keep hearing that the 2nd trimester is the best trimester. It's going to be great. I can just feel it. At the very least, it's something to focus on while I am dealing with the next four weeks!

And as I suffer through weird changes in my body, I always have something to offer up in prayer. I'm trying to remember to focus beyond myself. There's always someone who needs a prayer more than I do.

How Many Words Do You Have Left?

2008-04-30T11:38:00.001-04:00

Today is the third day that I have spent alone in my office. My co-worker, Tina, is sick and so I am "holding down the fort" by myself.

Normally I am quite lucky. The two of us work in a rather large office (if you don't count all the tables, copy machines and shelves taking up space) with two walls of full-length windows. We have a great view of the trees budding, a dead-end campus street (and how many, many cars find that out too late), and the academic building across from us. It's a perfect set of windows for spying on illegally parked cars. Hey, I've only called them in once. I just find enjoyment in watching events unfold outside our windows.

Tina and I usually spend a good portion of the day chatting together. Mostly we can talk and copy things at the same time (I know, we are talented). Sometimes we just sit and shoot the breeze. There are always professors walking in and out of our office, bringing up interesting topics, as well. Most days when I return home to Ryan and our little apartment I find that I have used up a good portion of my words for the day.

You know what I mean, right? Supposedly women have twice as many words than men to say each day... Don't quote me on the statistics. But I know it's true that I have more things to say each day than Ryan has to say. If I've been particularly quiet on a certain day I'm unable fall asleep until I've talked enough words out of my system.

Which brings me to today... Working with another office person allows me get at lot of words out of my system so I don't have to bombard Ryan with all of my thoughts in the evenings. Spending one day at work alone is enough to make me annoyingly chatty at night. Imagine the havoc that three days of silence is going to wreak tonight.

Do you think writing counts towards daily word usage?

Back From Hiatus

2008-04-28T16:48:00.001-04:00

A lot has happened in the last 10 days. I can't believe it's been that long! But I have much to tell of the twists and turns in our graduate school life.

Biggest news: Ryan and I found out that we are going to have a baby!

It's truly amazing how God's plans work out in the end. My plan was to get pregnant, apply for the Residence Director job, and then quit my full-time job in anticipation of motherhood. God's plan was for me to learn how to trust Him and follow Him in faith without knowing the outcome. I was definitely not pregnant when we applied for the job - but we applied anyway (late, and with no help from me - Ryan did it all). Then we were offered the job and I still didn't know what was going on with my future possible motherhood. We decided to accept the job before we knew if a child was in womb. Here's the amazing part - we found out the day we signed the contract that our first child is on the way. Faith first, then answers.

It was so much fun telling our families the big news. Ryan and I have been questioned about possible pregnancies since our wedding day. My sisters have been suspicious every time our family gathers for dinner.

"Any announcements?" they would query over the dining room table.

"Nope. But don't worry, you'll be the first to know," I always replied.

Imagine their surprise and joy when my answer finally changed! Baby Sister just jumped and screamed and jumped some more. Middle Sister was still away at college and we had to tell her over the phone. She was thrilled - so very excited, in fact, that I was kind of shocked by her reaction. A few days later she called me to chat and explained that her mindset had recently changed about Ryan and I becoming parents. At first she was unconvinced that we were ready for parenthood. Within the last two weeks, however, she had a change of heart and started yearning to become an auntie. What joy to make her wish come true!

Ryan's parents were even more fun to tell our good news. It was his mother's birthday and he gave her gift of becoming a grandmother. Both of Ryan's parents jumped around and yelled and hugged us when they found out. I really didn't expect to be overwhelmed with such unfettered joy. I guess we are in a really special position. This baby will be the first grandchild on both sides, and the first great-grandchild on three out of the four sides. I can't even imagine how spoiled he or she will be...

Telling our close friends was also a wonderful experience. So many people having been praying for us to have a baby. It's not like we were in a horrible situation of infertility, but it's been a long wait since our wedding day. Many of our friends espouse the Franciscan view of begetting children on the honeymoon. Let's just say that waiting nearly two years is an unusually long time for our set of friends. If Ryan didn't immediately go to graduate school we might have had a honeymoon baby too. We just have to deal with the challenges of life as they come at us. Graduate school is definitely one such challenge!

The only unfortunate event that occurred in the last week was that Middle Sister leaked our good news onto Facebook before we had a chance to tell some people personally. A couple of my close friends saw Facebook before I could call them and it ruined the surprise element. But how can I be angry at the joy of my sister? I still called my friends - better late than never! I guess that is just a consequence of modern technology. News by Facebook travels faster than news by phone.

According to my NFP charts, our little baby should arrive around December 21st. Yes, I know, he or she will be a Christmas Baby. Seriously, that is the first thing people say when they find out my due date. I am six weeks along at this point, which means the baby is technically 4 weeks old - one month already!

Another question everyone asks is how am I feeling. I've been lucky thus far - I feel practically normal. The only difference is being much more tired and little more hungry. The hungry thing is weird because sometimes a certain food will smell terrible to me, but then it tastes just fine. The challenges arises in getting over the unappetizing smell and actually eating the food. I am probably hungry because I refuse to eat what is available!

There will be much to talk of in the coming months. I don't think I will have such a long break between posts again. And now I am so excited to keep writing. This is officially a mommy blog!

In the Words of the Holy Father...

2008-04-18T11:55:00.012-04:00

POPE BENEDICT XVI

Conference Hall of the Catholic University of America in Washington, D.C.
Thursday, 17 April 2008

"We see why fostering personal intimacy with Jesus Christ and communal witness to his loving truth is indispensable in Catholic institutions of learning. Yet we all know, and observe with concern, the difficulty or reluctance many people have today in entrusting themselves to God. It is a complex phenomenon and one which I ponder continually. While we have sought diligently to engage the intellect of our young, perhaps we have neglected the will. Subsequently we observe, with distress, the notion of freedom being distorted. Freedom is not an opting out. It is an opting in – a participation in Being itself. Hence authentic freedom can never be attained by turning away from God. Such a choice would ultimately disregard the very truth we need in order to understand ourselves. A particular responsibility therefore for each of you, and your colleagues, is to evoke among the young the desire for the act of faith, encouraging them to commit themselves to the ecclesial life that follows from this belief. It is here that freedom reaches the certainty of truth. In choosing to live by that truth, we embrace the fullness of the life of faith which is given to us in the Church." (emphasis mine)

Big Decisions: A Resolution

2008-04-18T10:54:00.000-04:00

I wrote earlier this week about having to make the decision whether or not to accept a college Residence Director position with my husband. After prayer, discussion, and unloading the responsibility onto my husband's shoulders, Ryan and I agreed to accept the position. A wife should follow where her husband leads. In this case, it freed me from my own road-blocks. I decided to trust my husband's guidance and refused to be anxious over the decision.

In fact, I feel pretty peaceful about it. I know we are taking on a huge responsibility and we will have to move again this summer (it's becoming an annual event!). But, I can't shake the feeling that it's all going to work out. And for some reason the college wants us to do the job. It's all too uncanny not to be the work of God.

We went in to sign the papers yesterday. It was also a good time for questions, a few logistics for the summer before our job officially begins, and for me to double-check that they do in fact want a family, possible crying babies and all, to live in a dorm. I also had to ask - why us? I mean, we don't have a ton of residence life experience. And Brother C. just flat out told us that we were the best qualified for the job. Technically Ryan has the job, and I am coming along as a "bonus" addition. But they think Ryan's life experiences and personality have what it takes to be a good Residence Director. We also have a good marriage and we will be an example of the vocation of marriage. Brother C. assured us that we were not chosen because of the novelty of being a married couple. He said we were chosen because we are the best fit for the position. Wow - I certainly don't feel that confident in our abilities!

It's going to be an adventure, to say the least.

The End is in Sight

2008-04-17T16:06:00.004-04:00

Do you ever have those days when 5:00pm seems so far away? It feels like the work day will never end. And you are so tired that you could fall asleep standing up...

We've finally passed the threshold - it is after 4:00pm. The end is finally in sight. I can make it, just 54 minutes left and I am a free woman!

Home, and I Didn't Even Know It

2008-04-16T22:44:00.000-04:00

When I was 15 years old I left home. No, not permanently - but for three weeks. I decided to travel to Europe with a group called People to People Student Ambassadors. At this point in my life I was a pretty average teenager. I did what my parents asked of me, went to church each Sunday, ate my vegetables... I was also slightly naive and somewhat self centered. It's not that I was grossly selfish or vindictive, but the concept of selflessness hadn't really occurred to me yet. I was just a fun-loving, pleasure seeking, just-out-of-freshman-year-of-high-school teenage girl.

Imagine my surprise when God spoke to me on that trip.

We had been in Rome for several days, sight-seeing and infusing our young minds with culture. Vatican City was next on the schedule, but I was so sleep deprived and sore from walking around the city that I found it hard to concentrate on the educational opportunities. Finally our tour guide released us to go and explore St. Peter's Basilica. I was particularly interested in Vatican City and the Basilica because I was Catholic, but I wasn't what you would call a phenomenal participant in my faith. The church was so grand and beautiful I couldn't help but wander through it, gazing in awe at the different statues and alters. I had no idea what I was looking at, but I was sure that it was all very important.

Eventually a group of us came to a curious spot deep within the church. A tall, red velvet curtain hung from the ceiling, enclosing some sort of restricted area. Naturally, I wanted to see more. A sign written in several languages warned us to be quiet and respectful - this was a place of prayer. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't been to mass in a week or two because of the European tour. I decided to take a moment to pray, being Catholic and all, and to make up for missing mass. A few other Catholic members of the group joined me as we stepped between the curtains into a tiny chapel.

Immediately the scent of incense enveloped me. The fragrance brought with it a sense of familiarity and comfort. As I knelt down to pray all the stress, tiredness, and bodily soreness disappeared. I was filled with a deep sense of peace. How strange, I thought, but just shrugged it off as I quieted myself in prayer. Then I heard it, not with my ears, but within my soul:

You are home, the voice told me.

Uh, no, actually I'm in Rome, like several thousand miles away from home, I instinctively replied.

You are home, the voice reiterated.

When I walked out of the velvet enclosed chapel I discovered that each person who stepped inside to pray had a similar experience. We all felt a lightening of our burdens, a physical change in our bodies, a calming sense of peace. I finally started to put all the pieces together. Some very special just happened to me - I heard the voice of God.

I wish I could say that my life changed at that moment. It actually took a bit more time than an instant. The thing is, however, I could never forget those words, You are home. What did they mean?

Over the years I've discovered that home isn't always a physical place, like I originally understood it to be. Home is the place where you belong. It makes sense to me that "going home" is really entering into a deeper, more faithful relationship with God. During my teenage years I always felt alienated, like I didn't belong anywhere. I longed for the feeling of acceptance, comfort, and home. It just took me awhile to realize that I will only feel accepted, comforted, and at home when I am fulfilled by God. I've always had a home in the Church, within the community of those who love and serve God, I just didn't always know it.

*This post was written for the April Scribbit Write-Away Contest. The topic this month: Going Home.

Big Decisions

2008-04-14T17:00:00.001-04:00

It's really interesting that Jen should happen to write about turning over situations to God at the very moment that I need to hear it. I enjoy reading the comments posted by other readers - and learning their stories of how God guided them through tough situations. My faith is strengthened when I hear about God-moments in other people's lives. I definitely need a little extra boost in my faith right now too.

Here is my tough situation: Ryan and I were offered a job as Residence Directors for a college dorm.

I realize that this isn't a life or death situation. But it is causing me a lot of stress. And acne. It's the kind of situation that seems to warrant the most prayer - one that involves a job (aka: money) and moving. I don't really know what I want, so I am going to lay out my thoughts in a pro/con list.

Pros:
1. This is a ministry job - it would have a clear and distinct purpose, something I find lacking in my current job.
2. If we have baby, and I quit my current job (which I will happen), we will have a little side income to supplement Ryan's grad stipend.
3. If we don't have a baby, I would still quit my current full-time day job and work a part-time job instead.
4. I am frustrated in my current job - this could be a good change.
5. We are night people, this is an evening kind of job.
6. No rent and free meals - good for Ryan when I don't have the energy to cook.
7. The bedrooms in the dorm apartment are a bit bigger, and there are 2 bathrooms (instead of one).
8. The dorm washer and dryer are right next to our apartment (easy access).
9. The campus is really small and we would get to know everyone - there is a good possibility for community.
10. This decision involves a huge leap of faith.

Cons:
1. What kind of time commitment are we really getting ourselves into?
2. If I have a baby, I will have to take care of baby and a dorm full of boys.
3. Lack of privacy.
4. I hate change.
5. What if I still have to wake up the same time I do now (aka: too early) while going to bed later than I already do?
6. The free meals are dorm food - I would probably still buy groceries and cook a lot anyway.
7. The kitchen in the dorm apartment is smaller than our current kitchen - much smaller.
8. We have our own washer and dryer in our current apartment - and we would have to share them with a bunch of guys in the dorm.
9. We already have a community in our little neighborhood - at the very least, we are good friends with one neighbor!
10. This decision involves a huge leap of faith.

Ok. So in reading through my two lists, it seems like most of my "Cons" are just complaints. I've outlined some real issues (time and privacy), but the rest are mostly issues of convenience.

I guess it all comes down to trust and figuring out what is God's will for Ryan and me. Sometimes I can be a little dense, and it may take me a few lifeboats (ever hear the joke about the flood?) before I understand where God wants me to go. This situation seems to have a lot of those lifeboats, however. There are too many "chance" occurrences surrounding the job offer. Ryan and I just happened to contact one of his old college professors (who we had been meaning to catch up with) and he, now an administrator, just happened to think we would be good for the Residence Director job. We happened to miss the application due date, but the college let us turn it in late anyway. An opening for a part-time job just happened to come to my attention the week Ryan and I found out the college wanted us to take the Residence Director position.

I don't necessarily believe in coincidences. But I do believe that God will move and shake events or occurrences in my life to help me follow His path. Right now I just need to feel peace about our decision. In order to find my peace, I have to turn over this situation to the Lord, and try to follow as best I can.

More Than Just a Shopping Spree

2008-04-10T00:31:00.000-04:00

Three days ago I spent my lunch break walking and talking with Baby Sister about her relationship troubles. She called me two days ago to let me know that she and her boyfriend of three years just broke up. It was mutual and she was prepared for it to happen, so, other than general sadness, there weren't/aren't any overwhelmingly upsetting emotions for her. Then she called me yesterday to ask me to take the afternoon off from work today so we could spend some time together. She didn't want to sit in her dorm room all day doing homework again. We decided - let's go shopping! What better way to perk up a sad (and now rainy) day?

I've been thinking recently about how much my relationship with Baby Sister has changed over the years. We are five years apart, and the gap in our ages seems to be finally closing. When we were little I took my responsibility as the eldest child very seriously. Middle Sister and Baby Sister were to look up to me, want to be like me, and to learn from me. I was paving the way for their childhood and growth into teenage years, so I should be duly respected. Of course my sisters did not agree with this philosophy. And it caused a lot of stress on our relationships for many years.

When I finally went off to college, after a tumultuous summer fighting with my parents, Baby Sister was only in 8th grade. In high school I didn't have a lot of interest in anyone but myself, so I left not really knowing her that well. Freshman year of college I was still wrapped up in myself and my own problems. Coming home on breaks and over the summer I just expected my family to be the same as when I left them. I remember being surprised that certain daily habits (such as where the bathroom towels were hung) had changed in my absence.

Sophomore year of college I transferred to Franciscan University and started gradually changing myself. I still didn't understand how to relate to my sisters when I returned home, however. In fact, that year could have done the most damage to our relationships. I was so full of vigor for my reinvigorated faith and new understanding of Catholicism that I couldn't help but overflow my enthusiasm onto my family. The problem was that I still wasn't very good at listening or speaking the proper words. I found myself constantly arguing with my sisters, their defenses up and ready for me, and me unable to explain what I really meant to say. Junior year wasn't much better.

But finally in my senior year I was engaged and preparing for marriage. My mother desperately hoped that wedding plans would bring we three sister together at last. One of my favorite memories from that time was spending a "Sister Day" together, four days before the wedding. We all painted a large ceramic bowl and had it fired in kiln with glaze. It was my wedding present from my sisters. And it was really fun to work together artistically, with each sister's personality enameled on the bowl. I think at that point we all started to realize that our family would never be the same again. It was expanding to include Ryan, and we would only live an hour away. But it wasn't ever going to be just the three sisters again.

In these two years of marriage, God has blessed me by softening my tongue, and therefore, building better relationships with my sisters. I've also had time to reflect on all of our sisterly spats, to think about the cause of them. I always knew that Middle Sister and I were direct opposites, but I couldn't quite figure out what created the tension between Baby Sister and me. This year, with Baby Sister at Notre Dame, I've come to realize that we are very much alike. In fact, sometimes it's downright uncanny how similar we are. I see now that the tension came from one particular similarity - our untactful bluntness. We are honest, but not always kind. And we are both very convicted by our beliefs - to the point where we disregard other opinions because we obviously already know the truth and no one's else's point of view will change our minds.

I've also learned these past few years how being right isn't always good for relationships. Knowing the truth, but expressing it without compassion won't change anyone's mind and will only breed resentment. But listening is very important. And waiting for others to ask for advice before doling it out is also non-negotiable.

So, three days ago, Baby Sister asked for advice and I really listened to her. Even though we are going shopping today (and I seriously need new clothes), I think our afternoon is really about spending sister time together. My mother will be pleased - her daughters are finally discovering the joys of their sisterhood!

Walking Rosary

2008-04-09T15:08:00.000-04:00

There is a wonderful tradition at Franciscan University - the walking rosary. On different nights of the week you will see groups of students praying the rosary together as they walk around campus. It doesn't matter what the weather may be - rain, snow, or just plain hot - the walking rosary still marches on.

It's a wonderful way to pray.

I don't know why, but it seems easier for me to meditate on the prayers of the rosary while walking. I think it might have to do with the chaos of every day life. Walking is calming, repetitive, and it involves my entire body. At my job, I sit in a chair for a good portion of my day. Walking for 20-30 minutes feels like freedom, a shrugging off of the work at the end of the day. I am able to walk slowly and leisurely, with no really destination in mind. I can usually find excuses not to pray the rosary if it will be sit-down event (you know, other work must be done). But when the rosary is combined with walking, I feel like I am getting twice as much out of my time, and therefore, it's a good use of my time.

Isn't it odd that when I pray a walking rosary I will move slowly and savor the moment, but when I try to sit down and pray all the unfinished tasks distract me?

Perhaps the walking rosary is a good type of prayer for me because it draws me out of my home (aka: another work environment) and away from distractions. There is a huge temptation to make every minute of my day "productive" because I work for 8 hours at my job and then I have a home to take care of in the evenings. I react to this temptation by either working like a crazy person to "catch up" until I fall into bed or (the more usual route) I just do nothing at all and ignore the work piling up around me. Obviously the best reaction lies in the middle somewhere. Taking time to remove myself from the situation and pray helps bring the middle ground into perspective.

So....

Monday night my neighbor and friend, May, and I decided to bring a little Franciscan spirit to Notre Dame. We instituted the first official ND walking rosary. It started out as a small group (just the 2 of us), but I have a feeling it will grow. We can guarantee to double in size when we enlist the hubbies to join us!

I just have a feeling that we are on the verge of something big. I can hardly describe it, but as we trod the first rosary path on Monday night I had an intimation that this was only the beginning. It really felt as though a piece of FUS was being planted in the ND soil, ready to grow and ripen into spiritual fruit. After one walking rosary I could sense a difference in myself. And I take hope in the notion that even if our walking rosary remains a group of two, "where two or three are gathered in [His] name" there is Christ in our midst.

That Really Gets Under My Goat

2008-04-04T17:30:00.001-04:00

What I meant to say was either "That really gets under my skin" OR "That really gets my goat."

What came out instead was "That really gets under my goat."

Needless to say, the laughter over my misspeak was enough to rid me of the frustrations I was currently proclaiming. Gotta love it how that happens.

A Birthday Gift

2008-04-03T13:53:00.005-04:00

Ok. I know that God answers prayers, but usually He's not so literal!

Recently I prayed for nice birthday weather. We've had some lingering cold weather throughout March, and I am never sure just what will happen on April 3rd each year. Of course, when I checked the weather report last week, it was predicting clouds and rain for today. But the thing about Indiana is that you never really know what's going to happen. The forecast changes almost as quickly as the weather. If the weatherman predicts rain on my birthday, there is a good chance I'll have sunshine instead.

So, last week I just casually looked up to the sky and petitioned God for some sunshine on my birthday - and warm weather too, if possible. When I woke up this morning I was excited to find a crystal clear sky and intense sunrise to greet me. Just a few minutes ago I stepped outside to feel the warmest weather we've had this spring.

I am so very happy. It's April. It's my birthday. And spring is finally here!

On the Eve of My 24th Birthday

2008-04-02T22:54:00.004-04:00

I've been avoiding thoughts of my birthday the last couple of weeks - which is unusual for me. Typically, I have a count down rolling as soon as the New Year turns. I make sure to leave "subtle" reminders to all family, friends, and co-workers in the preceding birthday weeks. Some might even think me a little bit too excited about my celebration of entrance into this world.

What makes this year different? I suppose it is a different set of expectations I formed a year ago. I was so sure that my 23rd year would be amazing. I had a really good feeling about it. Afterall, 23 is a pleasant number, and 23 would be my age for 365 days, plus an one extra day for leap year. Big things were going to happen to me. I was going to arrive at my 24th birthday ridiculously advanced from the experiential knowledge gained in my 23rd year.

I guess it all recently hit me that most of my plans have remained unfulfilled. A lot of those plans revolved around a baby - or pregnancy, at the very least. In the last year I kept putting things off, in my anticipation of motherhood. I expected my life to change drastically in the near future, so what was the point of getting involved with weekly commitments I would have to quit just as quickly? I would only end up disappointing someone or being stressed out or something, I rationalized to myself.

The truth is that I have become lazy. It's easier to push off commitments or changes into the future instead of dealing with myself as I am at this very moment. I don't feel guilty for sitting on the couch if I convince myself that a) I'll work out tomorrow instead, or b) I am just going to get pregnant (and fat) soon and it will be a waste of energy anyway. It's easy to convince myself not to become involved in activities with my parish or neighbors when I am sure that my days will soon change from employed 40-hour work weeks to stay-at-home 80-hour work weeks.

Today I finally faced what I have been avoiding - a look back at the past year. My life has changed, I can't deny it. I am coming up on one year as a full-time salaried employee (as opposed to a temporary worker). Ryan's graduate work has taken a different course, leading him down a better path. I have really been getting to know my baby sister, since she joined the ND family as a freshman last August. I've changed apartments and been able to spend much more quality time with my FUS neighbors. I have strengthened my photography skills with our new digital camera. I've finally started to set down roots in our new parish. And I've been asked the most wonderful of all requests - to be a Matron of Honor in Aislinn's wedding. Indeed, there have been many good and satisfying events in my 23rd year.

It's just that my greatest desire remains unfulfilled. I wish to be a mother. And I was so sure that I would happen in my 23rd year.

Today I didn't just face my disappointment - I also stopped making excuses for laziness. I don't know when I will become a mother. At this moment, however, I have to throw off my hesitations and start living vibrantly again. It's time to cast off my deficient plans and strive towards God's perfect plans. I ~~plan~~ hope to have a wonderful birthday tomorrow, no matter what it brings.

Carefree Timelessness

2008-04-01T15:51:00.001-04:00

Over the weekend Ryan and I drove to Chicago to share in carefree timelessness with one of my best friends, Aislinn, and her fiance, Rich. I can't remember exactly where I picked up the phrase "carefree timelessness," but I think it might be from Matthew Kelly. Regardless of its origin, it is a phrase that resonates with me. One of my love languages is Quality Time - and what better way to spend time with someone than allowing it to be free of cares and time restraints?

My expectations were more than exceeded Friday evening through Sunday afternoon. It was like one long lazy Sunday afternoon (with two nights thrown in for good measure). We did just what we wanted to do each moment, with no concern for the time. We also stayed up far past my usual bedtime, in the spirit of timelessness. Most of the weekend we didn't really do anything beyond talking and eating. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up - a good weekend includes much talking and much eating.

For example:
Saturday morning we woke up - whenever we felt like it- and lounged in our pj's for the rest of the morning. Ryan, Aislinn, and I enjoyed a spirited discussion based on Jen's current blog. When we finally did shower and clean up, it wasn't under any time constraint. Aislinn and I had plenty of time to meander and sift through different outfits and decide to put on a little make up. We spent the afternoon in quaint downtown Oak Park - eating a wonderful sushi meal, indulging in Cold Stone ice cream, and catching a flick, Horton Hears a Who, at the downtown movie theatre with a bazillion little kids. Then we came back to Aislinn's adorable studio apartment (I was a bit confused when I first walked in, not grasping the concept of studio, and asking where the bedroom was...) for a nap! Our evening activities included public transportation (which I think I enjoy more than the average person) and an excursion to Howl At The Moon. I had forgotten far removed from the bar scene I was until we actually stepped inside the overly crowded room. But my venture into modern culture fared well, as our little group eventually claimed a table where we enjoyed drinks, good music, and watching those who could not hold their liquor.

I think the best part of our carefree timelessness was spending it on Aislinn's turf, enjoying the place she calls home. I was able to sit back, to let her hostess and organize (something I almost always volunteer to do). I think it's a big deal for a women to be able to hostess and show off her home a little bit, especially as she leaves college and establishes herself in the adult world. Each time I am able to experience another friend's home, I know her a little better than I did before. She gets the chance to share her daily routines and favorite haunts with me. I get the chance to walk with her, on her side of the street.

Why I Love My Husband on This Particular Day

2008-03-29T11:20:00.004-04:00

1. He fixes my computer - no questions asked, restricting strange looks in my direction.

2. He drives the car, especially in big cities like Chicago, during rush-hour.

3. He sleeps on the appropriate side of the bed without questioning what is "appropriate" - either to protect me from the door (and possible intruders) or the window (if on the first floor, against possible intruders).

Thunder Snow

2008-03-27T21:18:00.002-04:00

This is crazy. Just a few moments ago Ryan I were returning to our apartment from the ND movie theatre (we watched Train Man - a fantastic Japanese flick about a socially awkward computer geek who finds love) and we experienced THUNDER SNOW! No joke. It's snowing big, puffy, wet, almost-rain-but-still-making-the-ground-white flakes and then a flash of lightning illuminates the sky, followed by a rather loud clap of thunder. Thunder snow. I didn't know it was possible. But this is March in Indiana - anything can happen.

God Has a Sense of Humor

2008-03-27T10:04:00.005-04:00

So... Just after I get finished whining about NFP, I wake up this morning and find this post by a fellow student from my alum, Franciscan University.

Thanks for the reminder...

Trying to Make a Baby

2008-03-26T23:38:00.002-04:00

In the last 2 years, it seems like a lot of our college friends have kissed on their wedding altars and been granted a honeymoon baby. My calendar keeps filling up with due dates preceding first wedding anniversaries. I have not yet met any of these little blessings in person, but I have spent countless hours watching them grow up in Facebook photo albums. It's a little mind blowing to think about the adventures we all had in college, and then to realize my friends are honest-to-goodness-for-the-rest-of-their-lives parents.

In the last 2 years it has also been difficult to watch my friends progress into legitimate and undeniable adulthood as parents while I wait at the sidelines.

Our first year of marriage Ryan and I decided it was best to have a go at postponing parenthood through NFP (Natural Family Planning - great Catholic stuff!). We just smiled when our friends and family pestered us about having a "bun in the oven." "Not yet, but soon!" we would offer in reply. I was definitely excited about having children, but worried about money and spending 5 years in graduate school, and a little relieved that we didn't really have to think about making life altering changes just yet. And NFP wasn't so bad after all - it just took a little planning, patience, and persistence.

Our second year of marriage NFP stopped being "fun." We could figure out the method just fine, but my body was starting to confuse itself. I had to turn off my sex drive when the hormones were on - and turn it back on when the hormones could care less and just wanted to go to bed early. It was beginning to wear on me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I realized there is a very good reason the Church requires grave matter to postpone children - it's requires a lot of sacrifice to practice NFP, and there will come a point when the end doesn't outweigh the means anymore.

So, we decided to take the plunge and would start actively trying to conceive in October. It was supposed to be a great month - a lot of Ryan's graduate problems had worked themselves out at that point, and our grave matter wasn't so grave any more. Then the last week of September my sister-in-law's fiance, Joel (our families are very close, and he's practically a brother), had a very bad accident where he burned over 65% of his body and was put into a medicated coma for 6 weeks. Life changed in an instant. Our families pulled together and did what we could to get through a very trying time. Joel is getting better now, but his path to recovery is far from over. In fact, he has another surgery at the Mayo Clinic on Friday - please keep him in your prayers.

Needless to say, October wasn't a good time to start a family anymore. Over the last six months Ryan and I have found one obstacle after another in our way. My stress levels have been through the roof, and my normally stable fertility cycles don't make sense on the chart anymore. To top it off, we found out in the last six months that still more of our dear friends are expecting babies this summer. I am so joyful and so pained at the same time. I keep seeing my friends moving forward and I feel stuck somewhere in between.

Today just kind of culminates my feelings of frustration and inadequacy. Each month I have big plans about getting pregnant - and each month my plans go awry. And here I stand again, a new month, another failed plan, and a little less hope to carry me through it. I don't really know where to go from here.

As you can tell, I am feeling a bit depressed today - but I realize that I have so many other blessings too. God has blessed me with a very good friend (you know who you are!) to be a comforting shoulder as we both struggle in our wait for children. And this month's cycle isn't over yet either. I am so silly - I have an early (and possibly unfounded) disappointment! It's really hard to have hope today, to trust that God's plan is bigger than I can imagine. Please pray for me. I really need it.

Heavenly Ham...

2008-03-24T22:40:00.002-04:00

...is the name of the breakfast meat we enjoyed for Sunday's Easter brunch with Ryan's family. And man, oh man, was it good!

Ryan and I have been celebrating Easter since the Vigil on Saturday night. It's really been one of my best feast day culminations. We prayed hard on Good Friday and are currently enjoying the post-sacrifice festivities.

Saturday night was the Notre Dame Basilica Easter Vigil mass. Ryan and I learned from our mistakes on Good Friday and made sure to show up before the church doors opened on Saturday. We were waiting outside at 10 til 7:00pm, and the Vigil didn't even start until 9:00pm! It all worked out and we found seats with our friends again (and not quite as close to the back door). The pews were still cramped beyond comfort, but can you really complain that too many people want to go to the Easter Vigil? It was a beautiful mass, all sung by the ND Liturgical Choir, and accompanied by organ, horns, and cymbals. The choir's high point was their rendition of "This Is The Feast of Victory For Our God" at the end of mass - so good! After mass our entire exuberant group went out for Easter midnight breakfast/lunch/dinner at an all night diner. We must have seemed so odd to the other patrons - dressed in church clothes, giddy from hunger and excitement, and talking a hundred miles a minute.

Sunday morning, because we are gluttons for sleep deprivation, Ryan and I attended an Easter morning mass with his family. His mother prepared a lovely brunch of glazed ham and chocolate cake - a perfect Easter combination! We spent the late afternoon and evening with my family, consuming our second wonderful meal of the day: flank steak and plenty of wine. It was a full day of family quality time and, as usual, Ryan and I stayed to hang out far past our bedtime. It's nice having both families so close to home. We are able to split (sometimes share) holidays for a minimal amount of driving.

So, I have been thinking about the differences in my experiences at the ND Easter Vigil on Saturday and the FUS Easter Vigil 3 years ago. They give very different impressions from one another, and I think music style has a lot to do with it. ND sang/chanted the entire mass, with the choir leading the way from their ceiling loft. At times I felt like I had stepped back a hundred years ago, the feeling of tradition was so strong. I also felt as though their Easter mass was so solemn that it was missing a little of the unfettered joy I had previously experienced at the FUS Easter Vigil.

The Franciscans go all out for the Easter Vigil. The first half of mass occurs in total darkness, even while the readings and psalms occur (ND lit the Easter candles before the readings). The altar is bare until halfway through mass when a huge flower procession marches through to dress the altar. The baptisms are full immersion, accompanied by passionate and joyful praise & worship style music (think guitars, drums, flutes, violins, vocals - the works). All of the music caters to the charismatic feel typified by the University. The whole time you just want dance for joy before the Lord, like David danced before the Ark of the Covenant. It's incredible, even if you don't usually get into Catholic charismatic style of prayer.

What I realized is that I really enjoyed the different styles at ND and FUS for different reasons. I liked the ND Good Friday mass because of the solemnity and traditional choir. It allowed me to meditate deeply on our Lord's Passion and death. On the other hand, I enjoyed the FUS Easter Vigil so much because of the unrestrained joy which filled the entire congregation. You can't help but be moved to tears by the Sacraments of Initiation granted to those entering into the Church. Their joy became my joy.

It's wonderful to belong to a Church which includes such varied styles of worship. I am so thankful to have the different Easter Vigil experiences. Broadening my prayer styles stretches my soul and helps me to be vulnerable before my God. I can't wait to find out what happens next Easter Vigil!

Triduum Experiences

2008-03-22T13:12:00.003-04:00

This week has been the best Holy Week I've ever had.

In some ways my statement is easy to support. For example: I had never even heard the word "Triduum" (much less knew how to pronounce it correctly) until I stepped foot on my alma mater, Franciscan University of Steubenville, nearly 5 years ago. While at FUS I was challenged to enter into all of Holy Week, not just Holy Thursday and Good Friday. I learned that there is a special Chrism mass on Monday of Holy Week to bless all of the holy oils. I also experienced my very first Easter Vigil mass at FUS in 2005 - one of the most moving and joyful masses I've been to. I could hear the angels singing and praising God with us during the baptisms.

The reason I claim that this week has been my best Holy Week, and not the one 3 years ago, is because I've finally succeeded in the challenge issued to me at FUS. I've fully entered into the prayer and anticipation of Holy Week. It started with cleaning my house and clearing my mind last weekend. Then I decided to go to mass after work each day this week (which feels like a big sacrifice of my time, considering that I work until 5pm each day). Due to the good advice of two friends, I also cut out watching any TV or movies until Easter. Finally, I set aside all of my work and cares of the week to simply pray with the church from Holy Thursday evening through Good Friday evening. As Ryan put it, "It's hard work praying all day long!"

Holy Thursday
Ryan and I celebrated mass with our parish on Holy Thursday. I've had a really difficult time feeling like a member of our parish in the two years we've been at St. Pius X. I grew up in a town where there is only one Catholic church, so you pretty much know everyone in town who is Catholic. The really nice aspect of my hometown is how the church feels like an extended family. I've spend the ages of 2 to 22 with the same Catholic families - I knew my parents' friends and grew up with their kids my own age. I consider some of the families like second parents - they know me as well as my own mother and father know me. All the kids started out in grade school together, and now we are all getting married and branching out. But when I go home, it's always so familiar and comfortable to me. I still know everyone at the church, and the families I grew up with remain close friends.

St. Pius X is one of the largest churches in the area. Notice how I said "one of." That's right - there are many Catholic churches in my area. It's hard to get to know people at my new church. I didn't grow up there, I don't belong to any of the ministries yet, and I am not sure where to get started. It's difficult for me to put myself out there and explain to my new church why I am someone they would like for a certain ministry. I grew up being grandfathered into ministries - the adults knew my potential as a kid and invited me into ministries as I turned the appropriate ages. It's almost as though I have to market myself at St. Pius to get into the community. Somehow, that feels so odd.

My disconnected feelings are what led me to go on the Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) retreat a month ago. Ryan also went on the men's retreat last week. My basic goal was to meet women at the parish and start making connections within the community. I can't wait around to have kids make the connections for me!

So, back to Holy Thursday. The church was busting at the seams crowded. At St. Pius most families pick a Sunday mass time (7:00, 8:45, 10:30, 12:15, or 5:30pm) and stick with it each Sunday. Ryan and I tend to be 12:15ers - it's late enough to sleep in without actually cutting into our evening. Plus, we are always late to the 10:30am. The thing with Holy Thursday, however, is that all the families from different mass times come together into one mass. They have to! In looking around the church Thursday evening I began to notice women from my CRHP retreat. Sweet! I knew people at this mass!

After mass, Ryan and I stayed for Confession and Night Prayer. During the Triduum St. Pius keeps the church open 24 hours for their "Pascal Watch." It's a wonderful time of extra prayer just before Easter. The priests really encourage the parish to embrace the solemnity of the Triduum. Ryan and I embraced it all right - we didn't leave until after 11pm! It was so peaceful. I love being in a dark church at night, lit only by candles.

Good Friday
Although I really want to have a baby, there are some perks to being married without children. One perk is that Ryan and I are able to spend as much time in prayer and at church as we want. We have a certain amount of freedom this year that won't be possible with small children. I guess you could say that we are taking the opportunity for excessive prayer while it still exists!

This year we decided to go to the Notre Dame Basilica Good Friday service. I had heard that the liturgical choir is beyond fantastic, so it was one of my goals to hear them during our time in grad school. The service began at 3:00pm, so we decided to arrive at 2:00pm to snag good seats. Boy were we surprised to find the church totally full an hour before the service began. Luckily, some friends of ours saved us spot in the back of the church, right in front of one of the doors. I found it particularly fitting that we should experience an icy blast (that's right, our snow storm arrived right on time with the first day of spring) each time the door opened. It gave me a sacrificial mindset, to say the least.

Despite the small inconveniences, the Good Friday service at ND was incredible. The liturgical choir lived up to all praise bestowed upon it. They sang everything a cappella in four part harmonies - including the Gospel reading. I brings a new meaning to the Gospel when you hear the choir's chant "Crucify him!" resounding from the huge basilica ceiling. They also sang the heavenly Reproaches during our Veneration of the Cross. Again, how can you remain unmoved by the weight of your sin when expressed so vibrantly from above?

The rest of the evening Ryan and I spent with another ND couple, Steve and Meta, back at St. Pius for the Stations of the Cross and Taize prayer. I love Taize because it incorporates my two favorite types of prayer - singing and meditation. The basic premise is to repeatedly sing or chant a short verse while you meditate. I find that the repetition allows me to meditate because I eventually stop thinking about the mechanics of singing and just calm myself before the Lord. It removes distraction from my mind (because part of my mind is focused on singing) and allows my soul the freedom to experience God's presence.

Friday night at Pius was far less crowded than Thursday night. Even so, I again noticed some of the women from my CRHP retreat. I am finally beginning to feel a connection to my new parish. I almost like it better when there is less of a crowd in the church. I guess the task of getting to know people seems smaller or something. It gave me such a peace of mind knowing that Ryan and I are finally setting down some roots, that we aren't just floating through the parish by ourselves anymore.

Holy Saturday
At this point in the Triduum I am very much at peace. I understand in a new way the importance of Holy Saturday. It's a waiting day - God is asking us to trust in him, to be patient, and to hope that Easter Sunday will arrive. It's kind of exciting, in a way. Not in the same way that Christmas Eve is exciting, but in a quieter sort of way. I can't spend my entire day in prayer like yesterday (laundry needs to be washed again, errands to run - life goes on!), but I can go about my day with a peaceful and expectant soul. Soon we will be at the ND Easter Vigil, celebrating with our brand new members of the Catholic church. I may not know those who are going to be baptized tonight, but I've had several dear friends come into the Church on previous Easter Vigils. I know the joy and excitement my friends experienced, and so I gladly share in the celebrations for others.

It's been such a good Holy Week. Approaching the end of this week, I am definitely ready for Easter. Praise to You, Lord Jesus Christ, King of Endless Glory!

I am Genius!

2008-03-18T14:45:00.004-04:00

This post is a tribute to the first crossword puzzle I have ever finished.

Ok, so I didn't exactly finish the puzzle on my own... But I take full credit for googling the clues and then actually choosing the correct words to fill in the crossword. And I only used the answers from the online crossword blog guy like three times, or maybe five - but it wasn't very many times!

Even though I don't know what all the words mean, but I still feel pretty darn smart.

Victorious! (in a Domestic Kind of Way)

2008-03-17T22:13:00.001-04:00

This weekend was great. I finally feel balanced and disciplined in my life. And the sun was shining. That always helps too.

I decided to make the best possible use of my time and really tackle the housework that has piled up over the last month (or maybe two). My husband went to a Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) retreat over the weekend, so I gained a lot of undistracted time - not to mention motivation. I promised Ryan that the apartment would be spotless when he returned, and I am not one to make frivolous promises. I also wanted to give him a special gift for taking time out of his very busy graduate student schedule to go on retreat. One of Ryan's favorite delights is to return home to a clean and tidy apartment. I had from 8:30am Saturday to 5:oopm Sunday to make my gift to Ryan a reality.

Tackling the housework was just plain good for my soul. I put on some background talk radio for noise and spent a lot of alone time, clearing the cobwebs from my own mind as well as the apartment corners. I turned my work into a prayer for Ryan, that he would come away from the weekend spiritually refreshed. Praying through my work pulled me out of my usual weekend malaise (of which I spend a majority on the couch, in front of the computer) and seriously motivated me.

It felt so refreshing to work with my hands, to take disorder and turn it orderly. There was something soothing in the rhythm of cleaning. When I scrubbed the floors on my hands and knees I felt connected to my vocation as wife. It's not because a wife is supposed to clean, but because in my humility I was able to help recreate the world, one kitchen floor at a time. The work gave meaning to my life that I couldn't obtain living vicariously through a tv show or movie. I guess I just felt more real, if that makes any sense.

So, I worked like a crazy person all weekend and I was able to bring Ryan home to a sweet smelling, clean, and tidy apartment. The best part of the entire weekend was sitting with him at the (clutter-free) table, talking about our retreat experiences underneath a candlelight glow. It was the first time I have used our crystal candlesticks - and we received them as a wedding present two years ago! My husband and I were able to relax, peaceful at the knowledge that my hard work freed up an entire evening to enjoy each other's company.

I may have cleaned the apartment as a gift to Ryan, but my reward was a carefree timelessness with my husband that we haven't experienced in a really long time.

Time to Clean House

2008-03-13T12:32:00.007-04:00

Do you ever return home from a trip, start to unpack, and then just leave it half-put-away for days on end? Or am I the only one?

It's always when I am stuck at work that my domestic tasks start to stress me out. My mind turns to thoughts of what I could be doing when we have a slow day in the office - when I'm actually doing nothing. (At this moment my task list is fairly long: laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming, cleaning, sorting, organizing, unpiling, entering finances, scrubbing, decluttering, and, oh, that one picture needs to be hung on the wall too). I start to get a little fidgety and excited to get home and put a dent in my household chores.

Then it rolls around to 5:00, I am tired from doing nothing all day and very hungry. Some days I can't even go straight home - errands, appointments, and groceries, oh my! When I finally return to the apartment dinner depends on how I feel. Some days I find it interesting and energizing to cook a nice meal, other days I grab the first thing I see in the fridge. Then I finally sink into the couch to relax and watch a movie or tv show online - or two.

Suddenly it's bedtime (I have to sleep now or I'll never wake up in time for work!) and I've succeeded in putting off all those domestic chores yet again. I go to bed stressed and more than a little ticked off at my lack of discipline. I vow that the next day will be different - you know, if I'm not too tired from barely making it to bed on time.

But seriously, I really will make tomorrow different.

*Note: This post was written on Thursday (the day it's posted under), but I didn't actually finish and post it until Sunday...

Reflections on an Orlando Spring Break

2008-03-12T21:28:00.002-04:00

The best part about having a husband in graduate school is living vicariously through his spring breaks. Even though I now work in the "real world" my hubby still provides those good old college perks. This year we both craved a little sunshine and decided to travel to Orlando for a long weekend.

The plan: soak up the sun and read all day long by the pool

The reality: unseasonably cold weather and confusion about the purpose of taking a vacation in the first place

The good news: coming home feeling refreshed in our daily lives and invigorated in our marriage

I'm the kind of person who likes to make a plan - and I tend to react badly when forced to deviate from it. This kind of rigidity makes it difficult for me to yield to God's plans a lot of the time. I also tend to become most obsessive with my travel plans. In my very worst moment (missing the plane to Austria and melting down into a complete sobbing mess in the airport) the thought came to me that I should try to be more flexible.

This Orlando weekend gave me ample room to practice my flexibility. I had to reconsider my vacation philosophy. What else besides sunshine could make our vacation worthwhile? How could I find satisfaction beyond my unfulfilled vacation plans? If I've just spent the last week at home, sick and attached at the hip to Ryan, how could I make our vacation time together special and romantic?

I realized that if I opened my eyes to the gifts surrounding me, the little inconveniences would diminish - I had to throw away my expectations of the perfect vacation and just enjoy the experience.

Ryan and I were blessed with a wonderful vacation. We soaked in the beauty of the resort, tasted fine wine and cuisine (I won't eat fish unless I am near the ocean!), slowed down our pace, and really looked into each other's eyes as we talked. We also spent a wonderful afternoon with my college roommate, Farrah, who we haven't seen since our wedding day. We went exploring through Downtown Disney (hey, it's the only "free" place in the park) and rediscovered our childhood in all the little shops. I even managed to snag a little sunburn, despite the uncooperative weather.

All in all, it was one of the few vacations I ended feeling relaxed and not overly tired from excessive excursions. I also discovered that Ryan and I don't really need a romantic get-away at this point in our relationship. We keep the flame going in our every-day life. The best part of the vacation was spending time with Farrah. Until Ryan and I have children (and, therefore, the need for a romantic get-away), my vacation philosophy will include quality time with friends and family. Because of the setbacks during this vacation, I learned a little bit more about ditching my well-laid plans and following the Lord's plans instead.

***

Oh, the joys of air travel

Me (noticing the light flashing and siren ringing for another baggage claim): Where is our little flashy light and siren? It's my favorite part!

Ryan: We already missed it because it goes off before the luggage carousel starts moving.

Me: I like it because it reminds me of casino jackpots. Here's your luggage. You win.

Yes. I am sick today and have nothing else to do with my time...

2008-03-04T14:18:00.005-05:00

So, I have spent most of my day sitting in bed (very "soft and delicious" as one friend would describe it) wading through the blogosphere. My sifting led me to an old blog post from my semester spent abroad. It almost took my breath away, revisiting my old thoughts from a time when I seemed to possess more wisdom than I realized. At least, the words are a new wisdom to the me sitting here (in bed) today.

Anyway, I thought I would share. The post describes a walk I took in Medjugorje in 2004.

I decided to walk up the rocky mountain barefoot. I had heard about others doing it, and I was so excited to add that physical penance to my spiritual prayer of the Stations of the Cross on the way up. And it was demanding. I think it took nearly two hours for us to reach the peak of the mountain.

But how can I explain how rewarding it was to experience that walk? I noticed that when I looked up the big rocks looked the most daunting. I was wary about walking through them. However, I quickly learned that the smaller stones were the sharpest and most painful to walk over. The larger stones had been rubbed smooth from millions of pilgrim feet over the past twenty years. And I saw how the rocks related to my life. The big sins in my life look the most daunting. I think that I will never get over them, or find forgiveness with them, or heal from them. And when I approach the big ones, it is always easier than I expected. The small stones represent the tiny day to day sins in my life. They cut the most because they are the hardest to rid myself of - and I am challenged every day by them. They are the tiny vices that create the biggest problems. I felt as if I had walked through the sins in my life on the Cross Mountain. I was performing a penance for my life with my body, but my soul was left to gaze at the beauty of the mountains and to speak with God in my heart.

...The way down Cross Mountain all I could think was how incredibly thankful I was for the simple gift of shoes in my life.

Grace or Influenza?

2008-03-04T10:20:00.005-05:00

Usually, I am just stubborn. But some days I am not sure if I am stubborn or if I am holding on tightly to the Lord's grace despite the odds.

This weekend Ryan and I had planned to be leaders of a youth retreat with some of our good friends. The youth group was not our own, but my dear friend Andy asked us to be a part of the planning and presentations for the weekend. He wanted to give the kids a good example of married vocation, and apparently they don't have very many women youth leaders for this group, so having me and one of my closest friends, Aislinn, there was pretty important.

We began planning the retreat last fall, setting up the weekend agenda from scratch, creating a theme about Heros, and basing our talks and discussions on each team leader's personal and spiritual strengths. Ryan and I were slotted for the marriage/chastity talk from the beginning - kind of a no-brainer, as we were the only married couple to be there.

Wednesday before the retreat I began to feel tired and kind of sick. I took work off on Thursday, tried to sleep in and just get enough rest to kick my little cold. Friday morning at work I didn't feel 100%, but I just knew that spiritual attack right before a retreat is all part of the deal. I made it through the first evening of the retreat, however, each hour I kept feeling worse instead of better. At one point I wondered why I didn't just stay at home instead, watching movies and not sitting on hard, cold floor with kids I just met and would probably never see again. Why did it even matter for me to be there?

Friday night I slept for 2 hours and I knew I was in trouble when I woke up. I felt miserable, barely able to focus, and totally unsure how I would last out the day until our talk at 3pm. I also felt wretched because I was submitting all those kids to whatever illness I brought along with me - and to what purpose? My own pride? Or was God asking me to suffer through for a greater good? How would all of those parents feel when their kids brought home sickness from a youth leader? Again, I wasn't sure what I was doing there, or whether I should stay or go.

I decided to make the best of an awful situation and just pray unceasingly. I made a commitment to the retreat and I would stick it out until my work was done. My only option was to offer up my suffering and desperately ask God to heal me of my sickness. It was a humility for me to lay down my defenses and depend totally on the Lord. As I've mentioned before, I am usually just stubborn.

Three o'clock came, the hour of mercy, and God gave me the strength to witness with my husband to the teens. He even gave me a little extra energy that afternoon as I talked with the girls on the retreat about marriage, sex, and guys. It wasn't a healing from my sickness, but it was a grace to be able to minister to the teens. I was able to give back a little bit of the gift I had received from other youth ministers when I was a teen, at that very same retreat center. The gift had come full circle. My biggest grace of the day, however, was a peace of mind about the weekend. There was a reason I was at the retreat, attempting to give an example of womanhood to the girls striving toward their own womanhood.

The next morning I found out that I am suffering from influenza. It's kind of funny, the double-edged sword of the whole event. I decided to go and keep my commitment, and possibly speak a word that God will use in one of those teens' hearts. At the same time, my being there exposed everyone to the flu. I just hope that I was a vessel for God's grace and not influenza at the retreat!

More Difficult Than I Thought It Would Be

2008-02-26T17:08:00.002-05:00

Last week I was very excited to begin this blog. I felt inspired by the other bloggers out there, and I was determined to make my mark on the blogging community.

Then I got busy.

The good news is that as I ponder the things in my life to write about, I am beginning to find my life a bit more interesting. Or maybe I've just had a lot of interesting things happen to me this week. At any rate, I'm back on here today, determined to scratch out a niche for myself with my little computer keyboard. I also happen to have a few spare moments at work.

* * *

One of my particular challenges as a grad student's wife is the unpredictable schedule. My schedule is fairly standard: I work from 8am to 5pm Monday through Friday - and then I am finished. Sort of. I like having my evenings and weekends "free" from work. Most of my "free" time, however, is spent doing all of the housewifely duties that I can't take care of while working. You may laugh, but I dream of the freedom to stay home with my kids and do housewifely chores during the 8am to 5pm time slot. My reason tells me that I will actually have less time when children arrive, but I can't shake the feeling that staying at home will feel luxurious compared to spending the majority of my day at my job.

Ryan's schedule is so transient I have stopped trying to quantify it. He generally goes into his lab each morning when I go to work. After that, his routine is a mystery to me. He's still on college time, where he's only bound to an hour here and there throughout the week. After his scheduled obligations he has several broad deadlines to contend with. His work doesn't end conveniently at 5pm with the end of my day.

Our different schedules challenge me spiritually and emotionally. When Ryan's grad work diminishes our time together in the evenings, I tend to become less motivated around the house (ok, usually downright lazy) and a bit lonely for company (see the void that children would fill!). I often fail to see these challenges as a spiritual gift - the cultivation of virtues in my life.

Having a husband in grad school requires a lot of sacrifices in our marriage. The lonely evenings and crazy schedules could allow me to grow in patience and to practice selfless giving (spending 8 hours a day working for other people, then coming home to cook, wash dishes, and clean up the house so my husband doesn't have to). What usually ends up happening is me sitting on the couch, deciding I would rather grab a snack food for dinner than get out the pots and pans for a nice meal, and then rationalizing that I am just too tired to go work-out or do the laundry so I had better just catch up on my tv shows online instead.

My hope is that by putting these reflections into words I will become more accountable to God's desire for me to grow in virtue. It's hard to deny truth when it's spelled out in front of me.

Confessions

2008-02-20T22:16:00.004-05:00

I have a confession make: I am a Catholic mom wannabe.

So what does this confession have to do with a blog? Well, I was inspired last week. I am not exactly the most technologically savvy person - please forgive me for my ignorance - and I literally just realized that there is an entire genre of blogging that includes Catholic mothers who stay at home and care for their families. Wow. Suddenly my world expanded. There are women online who actually do what I crave to do - stay at home and be a mom. Not just any kind of mom, but a Catholic mom.

Where am I at right now? I am halfway to motherhood. As my blog title indicates, I am married to a graduate student. My husband Ryan is plowing through his second year of five in a Ph.D. track at the University of Notre Dame. We want to start a family soon, but have yet to be blessed with children. I spend most of my time at a job on campus and waiting to be delivered from the workforce.

I have another confession to make: My life is lacking satisfaction. I've begun to realize that I need more substance in my life than logging 40 hours a week for a paycheck and coming home to snuggle up with Netflix in the evenings. This brings me back to my inspiration - Catholic mother blogs. A friend recently sent me a link to "Et tu?" and I can't stop reading this blog. Here is a woman living the life I want to start and inspiring me to delve deeper into my Catholic faith. I am totally hooked and I would like to join in on the discussion. I have a feeling it will be more edifying to hang out on blogspot.com than people.com (a pastime that has frequently quenched my boredom at work).

So, here I am. If anyone chooses to read my blog, I will be thrilled. If I am writing into the abyss, that's ok too.