How Can I Live Without the Internet?

It's really fun to not have to go into work each day. My days are so free! And I now have the flexibility to change my daily routine. For example: Yesterday and today I was able to join Ryan on a trip up to Chicago for an academic conference. He's off listening to intellectual speakers while I get to visit with my friend, Aislinn. It's a pretty sweet deal...

Last night Aislinn, her husband Rich, and I enjoyed a wonderful homemade meal - and I was able to bask in the glow of the newlywed couple. They are fantastically cute. I had forgotten the sweet newness that comes with the first month of marriage. I also spent a good portion of the evening in awe of Aislinn's tiny waist. My pregnant waist is so large right now that it's hard to imagine being slim again!

This morning I sent everyone off to work/conference and hunkered down to get a few tasks done on my computer while I was alone. That's when I realized that the internet wouldn't connect to my computer and I had just sent away my tech support with a dead cell phone! So much for my big plans...

The good news is that I have been able to get online through Aislinn's computer. Even more important: the world won't end if I don't fulfill all of my plans today. Maybe I'll just take a nap instead.

My Best Friend's Wedding

Aislinn & Rich enjoy their nuptial blessing

The happy couple smiles for the camera

Baby Michael Ryan enjoys being the center of attention with his mama, the Matron-of-Honor, and his papa, husband extraordinaire

How Apropos: The Perfect Feast Day

Today is the Feast Day of the Archangels Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael. I find it particularly fitting that on my unborn child's feast day I officially begin my career change as a stay-at-home wife/mother. Or, as I am fond of saying, I have begun my retirement from the workforce today!

I have to admit, it's after 3:00pm and I am not yet fully dressed. Nor have I started working on any of my housewifely duties. But the good news is that I've caught up on all my blogs and emails (very important) - and there are no online shows to distract me ('cause I've already watched them).

Transitions are always difficult for me. I knew today would be kind of a waste, as I reassessed my daily schedule and spent the day with no official commitments pressing on my time. It's hard to figure out where to begin. With Michael Ryan still in womb, I don't yet have all the responsibilities of motherhood. However, I want to discipline and prepare myself before he arrives. But I can't think very clearly with the apartment in chaos (and, believe me, there is chaos here, leftover from the last couple of frantic, busy weeks)!

Knowing that today is St. Michael's feast day does clear my mind. There is a purpose, a reason, for my early retirement. It's not because I am tired, or lazy, or just plain bored with the corporate world. My vocation is to marriage and motherhood. I've been dreaming about the opportunity to raise my children, take care of husband, and make our home a delight to live in. My dreams are finally becoming a reality! Now I have to figure out how to get from point A to point B: from the chaos of the DINK lifestyle to the calm serenity of the domestic wife & mother vocation.

The best way to start is to just begin, to get moving. I've got an hour and a half before Ryan returns home. It's time to turn on the Laura Ingraham podcast, wash those dishes, and tidy the house. Eventually all will be organized and I will have a new daily schedule. There's peace in knowing that transitions can't last forever.

Lilo & Joel's Wedding

This is one of my most favorite photos from the wedding mass. Lilo & Joel were just married. You can see the rings on both hands - Joel has to wear his on the right hand because it's easier to put on than the left hand.

There are still the remnants of the accident, but there is a much stronger sense of perseverance. These two were determined to get married on June 28th, no matter what! And now they stand as man & wife, ready for all the joys and trials of marriage.

The Big Two - Our Second Anniversary

Today Ryan and I have been married for 2 years. That seems like both a long and a short time. In the overall scheme of life 2 years isn't very long. And we hope to be married for many, many years. At the same time, I can't imagine not being married. It's so natural to me - to be Ryan's wife. It feels like we've always been married, it's just so right.

It's interesting to think back on how our lives have progressed in the last two years. Here's a synopsis:

• May 2006: Graduate from Franciscan University
• June 10, 2006: Our wedding day
• June 2006: Move into a new apartment, town, and school; Prepare for graduate school
• August 2006: Ashley starts a temp job on campus and Ryan's graduate school classes begin
  
• October 2006: Ashley begins a brief entry into her favorite ministry, Catechesis of the Good Shepherd
• May 2007: Ashley's temp job becomes a salaried position, Ryan's stressful 1st year of graduate school comes to a close
• June/July 2007: Move to a new apartment
• August 2007: Ryan changes departments and advisors (the best change ever!)
• September 2007: Joel's accident happens and very long recovery begins*
  
• February/March 2008: Ashley & Ryan attend Christ Renews His Parish retreats, and enter into a new ministry with the church
• April 2008: Find out we're having a baby!
• May 2008: Ryan's 2nd year of graduate school ends

And coming soon...

• June 27, 2008: Lilo and Joel's wedding (postponed from December)
• June/July: Move to another new apartment
• August 2008: Begin job as Residence Directors and Ryan's 3rd year of graduate school
  
• December 2008: Welcome our first baby into the world

*Note: Lilo is Ryan's younger sister and Joel is her fiance. At the end of September he burned over 65% of his body when his car caught on fire while he was changing the fuel line. He spent 6 weeks in a coma, 2 and a half months in the hospital, and they had to postpone their December 2007 wedding until June 2008. This past spring he spent another 6 weeks at the Mayo clinic. He's had about 10 surgeries so far, but the end is not yet in sight. Right now Joel has partial use of his right arm and hand and very little use of his left arm and hand. His face and most of his legs were not burned in the fire - it was his chest, back, arms, and hands that suffered the worst burns. Prayers for our family are greatly appreciated - especially as their wedding approaches. Please pray that Lilo and Joel are able to enjoy their wedding day!

Big Decisions: A Resolution

I wrote earlier this week about having to make the decision whether or not to accept a college Residence Director position with my husband. After prayer, discussion, and unloading the responsibility onto my husband's shoulders, Ryan and I agreed to accept the position. A wife should follow where her husband leads. In this case, it freed me from my own road-blocks. I decided to trust my husband's guidance and refused to be anxious over the decision.

In fact, I feel pretty peaceful about it. I know we are taking on a huge responsibility and we will have to move again this summer (it's becoming an annual event!). But, I can't shake the feeling that it's all going to work out. And for some reason the college wants us to do the job. It's all too uncanny not to be the work of God.

We went in to sign the papers yesterday. It was also a good time for questions, a few logistics for the summer before our job officially begins, and for me to double-check that they do in fact want a family, possible crying babies and all, to live in a dorm. I also had to ask - why us? I mean, we don't have a ton of residence life experience. And Brother C. just flat out told us that we were the best qualified for the job. Technically Ryan has the job, and I am coming along as a "bonus" addition. But they think Ryan's life experiences and personality have what it takes to be a good Residence Director. We also have a good marriage and we will be an example of the vocation of marriage. Brother C. assured us that we were not chosen because of the novelty of being a married couple. He said we were chosen because we are the best fit for the position. Wow - I certainly don't feel that confident in our abilities!

It's going to be an adventure, to say the least.

Victorious! (in a Domestic Kind of Way)

This weekend was great. I finally feel balanced and disciplined in my life. And the sun was shining. That always helps too.

I decided to make the best possible use of my time and really tackle the housework that has piled up over the last month (or maybe two). My husband went to a Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) retreat over the weekend, so I gained a lot of undistracted time - not to mention motivation. I promised Ryan that the apartment would be spotless when he returned, and I am not one to make frivolous promises. I also wanted to give him a special gift for taking time out of his very busy graduate student schedule to go on retreat. One of Ryan's favorite delights is to return home to a clean and tidy apartment. I had from 8:30am Saturday to 5:oopm Sunday to make my gift to Ryan a reality.

Tackling the housework was just plain good for my soul. I put on some background talk radio for noise and spent a lot of alone time, clearing the cobwebs from my own mind as well as the apartment corners. I turned my work into a prayer for Ryan, that he would come away from the weekend spiritually refreshed. Praying through my work pulled me out of my usual weekend malaise (of which I spend a majority on the couch, in front of the computer) and seriously motivated me.

It felt so refreshing to work with my hands, to take disorder and turn it orderly. There was something soothing in the rhythm of cleaning. When I scrubbed the floors on my hands and knees I felt connected to my vocation as wife. It's not because a wife is supposed to clean, but because in my humility I was able to help recreate the world, one kitchen floor at a time. The work gave meaning to my life that I couldn't obtain living vicariously through a tv show or movie. I guess I just felt more real, if that makes any sense.

So, I worked like a crazy person all weekend and I was able to bring Ryan home to a sweet smelling, clean, and tidy apartment. The best part of the entire weekend was sitting with him at the (clutter-free) table, talking about our retreat experiences underneath a candlelight glow. It was the first time I have used our crystal candlesticks - and we received them as a wedding present two years ago! My husband and I were able to relax, peaceful at the knowledge that my hard work freed up an entire evening to enjoy each other's company.

I may have cleaned the apartment as a gift to Ryan, but my reward was a carefree timelessness with my husband that we haven't experienced in a really long time.

Reflections on an Orlando Spring Break

The best part about having a husband in graduate school is living vicariously through his spring breaks. Even though I now work in the "real world" my hubby still provides those good old college perks. This year we both craved a little sunshine and decided to travel to Orlando for a long weekend.

The plan: soak up the sun and read all day long by the pool

The reality: unseasonably cold weather and confusion about the purpose of taking a vacation in the first place

The good news: coming home feeling refreshed in our daily lives and invigorated in our marriage

I'm the kind of person who likes to make a plan - and I tend to react badly when forced to deviate from it. This kind of rigidity makes it difficult for me to yield to God's plans a lot of the time. I also tend to become most obsessive with my travel plans. In my very worst moment (missing the plane to Austria and melting down into a complete sobbing mess in the airport) the thought came to me that I should try to be more flexible.

This Orlando weekend gave me ample room to practice my flexibility. I had to reconsider my vacation philosophy. What else besides sunshine could make our vacation worthwhile? How could I find satisfaction beyond my unfulfilled vacation plans? If I've just spent the last week at home, sick and attached at the hip to Ryan, how could I make our vacation time together special and romantic?

I realized that if I opened my eyes to the gifts surrounding me, the little inconveniences would diminish - I had to throw away my expectations of the perfect vacation and just enjoy the experience.

Ryan and I were blessed with a wonderful vacation. We soaked in the beauty of the resort, tasted fine wine and cuisine (I won't eat fish unless I am near the ocean!), slowed down our pace, and really looked into each other's eyes as we talked. We also spent a wonderful afternoon with my college roommate, Farrah, who we haven't seen since our wedding day. We went exploring through Downtown Disney (hey, it's the only "free" place in the park) and rediscovered our childhood in all the little shops. I even managed to snag a little sunburn, despite the uncooperative weather.

All in all, it was one of the few vacations I ended feeling relaxed and not overly tired from excessive excursions. I also discovered that Ryan and I don't really need a romantic get-away at this point in our relationship. We keep the flame going in our every-day life. The best part of the vacation was spending time with Farrah. Until Ryan and I have children (and, therefore, the need for a romantic get-away), my vacation philosophy will include quality time with friends and family. Because of the setbacks during this vacation, I learned a little bit more about ditching my well-laid plans and following the Lord's plans instead.

***

Oh, the joys of air travel

Me (noticing the light flashing and siren ringing for another baggage claim): Where is our little flashy light and siren? It's my favorite part!

Ryan: We already missed it because it goes off before the luggage carousel starts moving.

Me: I like it because it reminds me of casino jackpots. Here's your luggage. You win.

Grace or Influenza?

Usually, I am just stubborn. But some days I am not sure if I am stubborn or if I am holding on tightly to the Lord's grace despite the odds.

This weekend Ryan and I had planned to be leaders of a youth retreat with some of our good friends. The youth group was not our own, but my dear friend Andy asked us to be a part of the planning and presentations for the weekend. He wanted to give the kids a good example of married vocation, and apparently they don't have very many women youth leaders for this group, so having me and one of my closest friends, Aislinn, there was pretty important.

We began planning the retreat last fall, setting up the weekend agenda from scratch, creating a theme about Heros, and basing our talks and discussions on each team leader's personal and spiritual strengths. Ryan and I were slotted for the marriage/chastity talk from the beginning - kind of a no-brainer, as we were the only married couple to be there.

Wednesday before the retreat I began to feel tired and kind of sick. I took work off on Thursday, tried to sleep in and just get enough rest to kick my little cold. Friday morning at work I didn't feel 100%, but I just knew that spiritual attack right before a retreat is all part of the deal. I made it through the first evening of the retreat, however, each hour I kept feeling worse instead of better. At one point I wondered why I didn't just stay at home instead, watching movies and not sitting on hard, cold floor with kids I just met and would probably never see again. Why did it even matter for me to be there?

Friday night I slept for 2 hours and I knew I was in trouble when I woke up. I felt miserable, barely able to focus, and totally unsure how I would last out the day until our talk at 3pm. I also felt wretched because I was submitting all those kids to whatever illness I brought along with me - and to what purpose? My own pride? Or was God asking me to suffer through for a greater good? How would all of those parents feel when their kids brought home sickness from a youth leader? Again, I wasn't sure what I was doing there, or whether I should stay or go.

I decided to make the best of an awful situation and just pray unceasingly. I made a commitment to the retreat and I would stick it out until my work was done. My only option was to offer up my suffering and desperately ask God to heal me of my sickness. It was a humility for me to lay down my defenses and depend totally on the Lord. As I've mentioned before, I am usually just stubborn.

Three o'clock came, the hour of mercy, and God gave me the strength to witness with my husband to the teens. He even gave me a little extra energy that afternoon as I talked with the girls on the retreat about marriage, sex, and guys. It wasn't a healing from my sickness, but it was a grace to be able to minister to the teens. I was able to give back a little bit of the gift I had received from other youth ministers when I was a teen, at that very same retreat center. The gift had come full circle. My biggest grace of the day, however, was a peace of mind about the weekend. There was a reason I was at the retreat, attempting to give an example of womanhood to the girls striving toward their own womanhood.

The next morning I found out that I am suffering from influenza. It's kind of funny, the double-edged sword of the whole event. I decided to go and keep my commitment, and possibly speak a word that God will use in one of those teens' hearts. At the same time, my being there exposed everyone to the flu. I just hope that I was a vessel for God's grace and not influenza at the retreat!