Wednesday, April 2, 2008

On the Eve of My 24th Birthday

I've been avoiding thoughts of my birthday the last couple of weeks - which is unusual for me. Typically, I have a count down rolling as soon as the New Year turns. I make sure to leave "subtle" reminders to all family, friends, and co-workers in the preceding birthday weeks. Some might even think me a little bit too excited about my celebration of entrance into this world.

What makes this year different? I suppose it is a different set of expectations I formed a year ago. I was so sure that my 23rd year would be amazing. I had a really good feeling about it. Afterall, 23 is a pleasant number, and 23 would be my age for 365 days, plus an one extra day for leap year. Big things were going to happen to me. I was going to arrive at my 24th birthday ridiculously advanced from the experiential knowledge gained in my 23rd year.

I guess it all recently hit me that most of my plans have remained unfulfilled. A lot of those plans revolved around a baby - or pregnancy, at the very least. In the last year I kept putting things off, in my anticipation of motherhood. I expected my life to change drastically in the near future, so what was the point of getting involved with weekly commitments I would have to quit just as quickly? I would only end up disappointing someone or being stressed out or something, I rationalized to myself.

The truth is that I have become lazy. It's easier to push off commitments or changes into the future instead of dealing with myself as I am at this very moment. I don't feel guilty for sitting on the couch if I convince myself that a) I'll work out tomorrow instead, or b) I am just going to get pregnant (and fat) soon and it will be a waste of energy anyway. It's easy to convince myself not to become involved in activities with my parish or neighbors when I am sure that my days will soon change from employed 40-hour work weeks to stay-at-home 80-hour work weeks.

Today I finally faced what I have been avoiding - a look back at the past year. My life has changed, I can't deny it. I am coming up on one year as a full-time salaried employee (as opposed to a temporary worker). Ryan's graduate work has taken a different course, leading him down a better path. I have really been getting to know my baby sister, since she joined the ND family as a freshman last August. I've changed apartments and been able to spend much more quality time with my FUS neighbors. I have strengthened my photography skills with our new digital camera. I've finally started to set down roots in our new parish. And I've been asked the most wonderful of all requests - to be a Matron of Honor in Aislinn's wedding. Indeed, there have been many good and satisfying events in my 23rd year.

It's just that my greatest desire remains unfulfilled. I wish to be a mother. And I was so sure that I would happen in my 23rd year.

Today I didn't just face my disappointment - I also stopped making excuses for laziness. I don't know when I will become a mother. At this moment, however, I have to throw off my hesitations and start living vibrantly again. It's time to cast off my deficient plans and strive towards God's perfect plans. I plan hope to have a wonderful birthday tomorrow, no matter what it brings.

1 comment:

Jennifer F. said...

This is a beautiful post. Happy birthday!! It sounds like you have a great year ahead of you.