I am currently waffling between two possible Lenten sacrifices. They are both a huge distraction in my life, especially as I've been tied to my home taking care of a new baby.
#1 - SUGAR and all sugary products, including cookies, cakes, brownies, chocolates, ice cream, syrup, jam, donuts, hot chocolate, soda, and anything else yet unlisted.
#2 - online TV shows. Many hours have been wasted waiting for the show to queue and getting sucked in to just one more episode (it never really is just one).
As I've been reflecting on how best to sacrifice for the next 40 days (not including Sundays, of course) I keep getting a little nagging thought in the back of my mind. Maybe I should go big and forgo both options. Perhaps I could even use my undistracted free time in prayer or spiritual reading. Heck, I might even make these sacrifices a habit and continue through the Easter season - and beyond!
The fact is that I feel the glut of too much sugar & TV. I am ready for a change. I am yearning for a change. I seriously need a change. Lent sprung up on me this year, but it couldn't have come at a better time. I am so ready to purge myself of distraction, to feel the burn of exercising my willpower against vices (and on the treadmill too). I have great expectations for the next six weeks. And now that I've made my pledge a public affair, I can count on you to keep me accountable.
Here's to a wonderful and fruitful Lent 2009!
Showing posts with label Inspiration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Inspiration. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Six Weeks Older (& Wiser)
Michael Ryan is six weeks old today. It feels like he was just born yesterday, and somehow, like I've never been without him. We are starting to get used to each other, but I don't yet feel competent in my role as mother.
For example: I'm still wearing pajamas (as in, just rolled out of bed, unshowered, messy hair, the works) and it's officially the afternoon.
Last week I was quite inspired by Michael's entry into the Church and decided to make attending daily mass a priority. All I have to do is walk across the campus parking lot, and there Christ is, ready for me in the Eucharist each day at 12:05 or 12:25pm. The little guy and I made it to daily mass three times last week and twice this week.
I've noticed a marked difference in how well I am able to handle my vocation in the past two weeks, especially on the days I make it to mass. I have a center to my day, I get up and moving, and my inability to be a perfect housewife & mother doesn't bother me so much. Actually, I am more likely to finish those chores & projects that constantly hang over my head when I go to mass!
It never ceases to amaze me how my inadequate efforts to pray and center my day around mass reap such an abundance of peace in my life. My hope is to make mass a habit in my daily life, the action that anchors my routine. And I think it will get easier as time goes on, as I learn how to better care for Michael and as he settles into his own routines.
I'll keep you posted on my progress!
For example: I'm still wearing pajamas (as in, just rolled out of bed, unshowered, messy hair, the works) and it's officially the afternoon.
Last week I was quite inspired by Michael's entry into the Church and decided to make attending daily mass a priority. All I have to do is walk across the campus parking lot, and there Christ is, ready for me in the Eucharist each day at 12:05 or 12:25pm. The little guy and I made it to daily mass three times last week and twice this week.
I've noticed a marked difference in how well I am able to handle my vocation in the past two weeks, especially on the days I make it to mass. I have a center to my day, I get up and moving, and my inability to be a perfect housewife & mother doesn't bother me so much. Actually, I am more likely to finish those chores & projects that constantly hang over my head when I go to mass!
It never ceases to amaze me how my inadequate efforts to pray and center my day around mass reap such an abundance of peace in my life. My hope is to make mass a habit in my daily life, the action that anchors my routine. And I think it will get easier as time goes on, as I learn how to better care for Michael and as he settles into his own routines.
I'll keep you posted on my progress!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Baptism Day (or, Michael Ryan's De-Paganization)
Michael is officially a month old today. And today is the first day I've really felt pulled together since he was born. That doesn't mean I've finished all the tasks I've hoped to do. But mentally, spiritually, and emotionally I feel like I am on a better track this week. Good thing it's Monday (and not Friday!). At this moment I've got the little angel face tucked in a sling and he's making all sorts of cute little noises, like he's singing along to the music playing.
Yesterday, January 18th, Ryan & I gathered with family and friends to celebrate Michael's introduction into the Catholic church via the waters of baptism. It was a wonderful day. We had over 30 people who were able to witness our joyous event. I had sent out a mass email last week letting everyone know about the baptism and inviting anyone who was interested to stop by and join us at the church at 1:30pm. How exciting to see my grandparents, ladies from my CRHP group, and all our Steubie friends in attendance! Seriously, Michael is one popular little man.
Ryan and I chose to baptize Michael Ryan by full immersion in the water. It required a delicate dance to get him in and out of his diaper, soft fluffy white towel, and baptismal gown - but with the helpful hands of his godmama, Suzy, we were able to avoid any "accidents" during the baptism.
He looked like a new person after the baptism, he really did. The white gown revealed the difference in his soul in such a tangible way for me. Yesterday I fully appreciated and understood the reason for having sacramentals like a baptismal gown. He looked so pure and fresh in his new outfit! He even smells holy - all spicy and wonderful from his chrism. I love the fact that Michael is now a little saint, without the stain of sin on his baby soul. I hope he always stays this way! He has been smiling a lot today, another factor I contribute to his baptism. It seems like he is happier.
So, now the burden of Michael's pure little soul is really on my shoulders. I think that's why I felt compelled to get up and to mass this morning (well, noon, to be more specific). I want to give him every opportunity to grow in holiness - which requires me to pull my own act together. I think daily mass is a good way to center my days. So that will be my goal. If I do nothing else each day, I want to make sure Michael and I attend mass. Pray for me and my stamina!
Yesterday, January 18th, Ryan & I gathered with family and friends to celebrate Michael's introduction into the Catholic church via the waters of baptism. It was a wonderful day. We had over 30 people who were able to witness our joyous event. I had sent out a mass email last week letting everyone know about the baptism and inviting anyone who was interested to stop by and join us at the church at 1:30pm. How exciting to see my grandparents, ladies from my CRHP group, and all our Steubie friends in attendance! Seriously, Michael is one popular little man.
Ryan and I chose to baptize Michael Ryan by full immersion in the water. It required a delicate dance to get him in and out of his diaper, soft fluffy white towel, and baptismal gown - but with the helpful hands of his godmama, Suzy, we were able to avoid any "accidents" during the baptism.
He looked like a new person after the baptism, he really did. The white gown revealed the difference in his soul in such a tangible way for me. Yesterday I fully appreciated and understood the reason for having sacramentals like a baptismal gown. He looked so pure and fresh in his new outfit! He even smells holy - all spicy and wonderful from his chrism. I love the fact that Michael is now a little saint, without the stain of sin on his baby soul. I hope he always stays this way! He has been smiling a lot today, another factor I contribute to his baptism. It seems like he is happier.
So, now the burden of Michael's pure little soul is really on my shoulders. I think that's why I felt compelled to get up and to mass this morning (well, noon, to be more specific). I want to give him every opportunity to grow in holiness - which requires me to pull my own act together. I think daily mass is a good way to center my days. So that will be my goal. If I do nothing else each day, I want to make sure Michael and I attend mass. Pray for me and my stamina!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Catholic Vote 2008
I was so moved by this video, "Catholic Vote 2008," I had to post the link.
I would also like to give a shout-out to Confessions of a Steubie Wife for putting up the link on her blog, leading to my own inspiration.
I would also like to give a shout-out to Confessions of a Steubie Wife for putting up the link on her blog, leading to my own inspiration.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
It's Been Awhile...
You might be wondering what's happened since my vacation time (over a month ago). Well, I know at least one person who was wondering - and she lives 5 minutes from me! Let's just say that it's been crazy for the last month. Life has been totally non-stop.
August was a whirlwind of my last full-time days at work, Ryan beginning his duties as Hall Director, guests visiting, friends moving to town, planning baby & bridal showers, and kicking it into high gear with our Christ Renews His Parish retreat preparations. I spent a good part of the month in a daze - and I'm still not sure where all of my time went!
Finally, there has been a shift in my daily schedule, like a breath of fresh air. As of yesterday I began working part-time (noon-5:00, wahoo!) and I feel like a whole new person. I'll be part-time for a total of 3 weeks and then I'm done with the corporate world for good. Wow. Freedom is so close I can taste it! But it's a little daunting too. How am I supposed to discipline myself with such a plethora of free time?
One the one hand, my ministries and social life are really perking up: CRHP, cantoring, scrapbooking evenings, women's book group, Colt's & ND football games, showers & weddings galore... But on the other hand I can actually do housework and errands between the hours of 8am and 5pm! I might even be able to squeeze in daily mass. I feel exhilarated and terrified at the same time.
That's why I grabbed a book from the shelf that has been on my mind for several weeks: A Mother's Rule of Life by Holly Pierlot. The book details how to center your daily life around your vocational priorities. Just like religious groups have a "rule" to live by, a wife/mother can create a rule for her family - a pattern for living that focuses on prayer and daily duties. Essentially, it's the ability to create a schedule that puts God first and finds a time to do all the daily tasks that otherwise seem insurmountable.
Holly outlines the wife and mother's priorities as such:
So, if all goes well, I'll be back here on a more regular basis. And I'm excited to share with you how centering my life on a God-focused schedule brings "order to [my] home and peace to [my] soul." If you get a chance, pick up a copy of A Mother's Rule of Life. It has helped me in the past, and I am certain it will continue to help me in this newest stage of my life.
August was a whirlwind of my last full-time days at work, Ryan beginning his duties as Hall Director, guests visiting, friends moving to town, planning baby & bridal showers, and kicking it into high gear with our Christ Renews His Parish retreat preparations. I spent a good part of the month in a daze - and I'm still not sure where all of my time went!
Finally, there has been a shift in my daily schedule, like a breath of fresh air. As of yesterday I began working part-time (noon-5:00, wahoo!) and I feel like a whole new person. I'll be part-time for a total of 3 weeks and then I'm done with the corporate world for good. Wow. Freedom is so close I can taste it! But it's a little daunting too. How am I supposed to discipline myself with such a plethora of free time?
One the one hand, my ministries and social life are really perking up: CRHP, cantoring, scrapbooking evenings, women's book group, Colt's & ND football games, showers & weddings galore... But on the other hand I can actually do housework and errands between the hours of 8am and 5pm! I might even be able to squeeze in daily mass. I feel exhilarated and terrified at the same time.
That's why I grabbed a book from the shelf that has been on my mind for several weeks: A Mother's Rule of Life by Holly Pierlot. The book details how to center your daily life around your vocational priorities. Just like religious groups have a "rule" to live by, a wife/mother can create a rule for her family - a pattern for living that focuses on prayer and daily duties. Essentially, it's the ability to create a schedule that puts God first and finds a time to do all the daily tasks that otherwise seem insurmountable.
Holly outlines the wife and mother's priorities as such:
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
So, if all goes well, I'll be back here on a more regular basis. And I'm excited to share with you how centering my life on a God-focused schedule brings "order to [my] home and peace to [my] soul." If you get a chance, pick up a copy of A Mother's Rule of Life. It has helped me in the past, and I am certain it will continue to help me in this newest stage of my life.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A (Nearly) Finished Scrapbook
For the past several months I have been working on a scrapbook with my mother-in-law. I think we began it last August - but took a long break from October to January. It's been a long project, to say the least. And we finally reached the joyful moment of putting the finished pages in the album last weekend. Just in time.
The scrapbook is actually a gift for Ryan's youngest sister, Steff, who is graduating from high school at the end of May. It's tradition in their family to prepare a scrapbook of the graduate's 18 years of life and present it on graduation day. I was called in to help with the project because Steff was the scrapbooking queen for her older brother and sister, and there are no younger siblings to carry on the tradition for her. It actually worked out well because I love to scrapbook and I really love my newest little sister.
It's been such an interesting project for me to work on. First of all, I've spent a lot of time in cahoots with my mother-in-law. I am so thankful that we get along really well! We've had a lot of fun shopping at the huge scrapbook store for colorful papers and stickers and sifting through boxes of old family photos. I've tried to keep her motivated and on track and she's let me take charge of organizing the project. We've spent countless hours together in the basement pouring over stencils, scissors, and adhesives with old chick flicks on tv keeping us company in the background. In the last year I've spent more time with her than any of my other girl friends!
Secondly, it's quite intriguing to piece together a scrapbook of someone else's life. I showed up in Steff's family about six years ago and have my own perspective on her life from that time. Until 2002, however, it's mostly unknown to me. How are you supposed to pick out the most important memories for someone else? But it's been fun to delve into her life, to see pictures of her growing from a baby into a young woman. So, I just picked my favorite pictures and went crazy on the page design.
Third and finally, I've realized that this project really is a labor of love. There was a moment a few weeks ago when the thought suddenly occurred to me that I would not be the owner of the pages I had so painstakingly created. As an artist, it was a sad moment to know that I was giving away a piece of myself, never to return. But as a sister I was able to embrace the sacrifice because my love for Steff is so much greater than my selfishness. And I knew that of all people Steff would understand the nature of my gift.
She graduates in 8 days. The 2 volume album contains over 120 total pages. There are only 3 pages yet unfinished. I've spend almost every weekend for the last 4 months pouring over this book. But most importantly, I've gained more than I've given - in relationships, self-sacrifice, and introspection. Now it's time to begin the work on my own scrapbooking projects!
The scrapbook is actually a gift for Ryan's youngest sister, Steff, who is graduating from high school at the end of May. It's tradition in their family to prepare a scrapbook of the graduate's 18 years of life and present it on graduation day. I was called in to help with the project because Steff was the scrapbooking queen for her older brother and sister, and there are no younger siblings to carry on the tradition for her. It actually worked out well because I love to scrapbook and I really love my newest little sister.
It's been such an interesting project for me to work on. First of all, I've spent a lot of time in cahoots with my mother-in-law. I am so thankful that we get along really well! We've had a lot of fun shopping at the huge scrapbook store for colorful papers and stickers and sifting through boxes of old family photos. I've tried to keep her motivated and on track and she's let me take charge of organizing the project. We've spent countless hours together in the basement pouring over stencils, scissors, and adhesives with old chick flicks on tv keeping us company in the background. In the last year I've spent more time with her than any of my other girl friends!
Secondly, it's quite intriguing to piece together a scrapbook of someone else's life. I showed up in Steff's family about six years ago and have my own perspective on her life from that time. Until 2002, however, it's mostly unknown to me. How are you supposed to pick out the most important memories for someone else? But it's been fun to delve into her life, to see pictures of her growing from a baby into a young woman. So, I just picked my favorite pictures and went crazy on the page design.
Third and finally, I've realized that this project really is a labor of love. There was a moment a few weeks ago when the thought suddenly occurred to me that I would not be the owner of the pages I had so painstakingly created. As an artist, it was a sad moment to know that I was giving away a piece of myself, never to return. But as a sister I was able to embrace the sacrifice because my love for Steff is so much greater than my selfishness. And I knew that of all people Steff would understand the nature of my gift.
She graduates in 8 days. The 2 volume album contains over 120 total pages. There are only 3 pages yet unfinished. I've spend almost every weekend for the last 4 months pouring over this book. But most importantly, I've gained more than I've given - in relationships, self-sacrifice, and introspection. Now it's time to begin the work on my own scrapbooking projects!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
My Little Kidney Bean
I feel like a terrible blogger. Two really good posting days have passed me by and I have failed to post anything new. So here's a shout-out to Mother's Day (Sunday, May 11) and to the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima (Tuesday, May 13). I feel better now.
So, I've been thinking: Right at this very moment I have a tiny baby, the size of a kidney bean, growing inside of me. I don't look very different yet (although I did take pictures on Sunday to commemorate achieving 8 weeks of pregnancy), and I have gained a total of about half a pound. I'm ok with that weight gain. I'm supposed to gain about 5-7 pounds in the first trimester and I was at least 5 pounds overweight to begin with. I think my body is adjusting itself.
For some reason the kidney bean image resonates with me. Perhaps it's because the shape is correct - my baby has a big head and tiny arms and legs, and is all curled up in a little semi-circle. Sometimes I can't quite wrap my mind around what is actually going on inside of me. But now that my baby is the size of a kidney bean... Well, that size makes sense to me.
I read another women's musings on pregnancy recently (and desperately tried to find the original source for my own post, but have no idea where to find it, so here's a shout-out to whoever you are) and was struck by her words.
Or something close to that. It's not a direct quote. But the essence of her words has stuck with me since reading them.
The time I am in now is such weird time to be in - knowing that I am pregnant, but not having any "proof" of it. I don't look pregnant yet, I can't feel the baby moving inside of me, and I don't really feel the effects of first trimester sickness. And there's still a possibility that something could go wrong and I could have a miscarriage. So I've got to have patience and trust that God will take care of me and my little kidney bean. Not only do I have to trust that a new person really is growing inside my womb, but I also have to act responsibly for my baby. This is a time that requires my faith to increase beyond what I know through my senses.
I don't necessarily feel closer to God at this moment, but I understand why the other mother does. Right now it's hard to connect with my baby, to even believe he or she is really there. So now is the time to throw myself into my Father's arms and trust Him, to let Him take care of us both. In becoming vulnerable, God will draw me close to Himself.
And my little kidney bean will continue to grow. Soon I will be able to hear a heart-beat and to feel little feet and hands punching me from inside out. I won't need to have faith that my baby is there because I will know from my sense experiences that he or she exists. I will have my "proof" at last. It makes this time important for my relationship with God. I understand why the those words have stuck with me. I have an opportunity at this moment to do more than just wait.
* * *
So, I've been thinking: Right at this very moment I have a tiny baby, the size of a kidney bean, growing inside of me. I don't look very different yet (although I did take pictures on Sunday to commemorate achieving 8 weeks of pregnancy), and I have gained a total of about half a pound. I'm ok with that weight gain. I'm supposed to gain about 5-7 pounds in the first trimester and I was at least 5 pounds overweight to begin with. I think my body is adjusting itself.
For some reason the kidney bean image resonates with me. Perhaps it's because the shape is correct - my baby has a big head and tiny arms and legs, and is all curled up in a little semi-circle. Sometimes I can't quite wrap my mind around what is actually going on inside of me. But now that my baby is the size of a kidney bean... Well, that size makes sense to me.
I read another women's musings on pregnancy recently (and desperately tried to find the original source for my own post, but have no idea where to find it, so here's a shout-out to whoever you are) and was struck by her words.
During the time when I discover I am pregnant until I am able to feel my child moving in my womb, I feel the closest to God.
Or something close to that. It's not a direct quote. But the essence of her words has stuck with me since reading them.
The time I am in now is such weird time to be in - knowing that I am pregnant, but not having any "proof" of it. I don't look pregnant yet, I can't feel the baby moving inside of me, and I don't really feel the effects of first trimester sickness. And there's still a possibility that something could go wrong and I could have a miscarriage. So I've got to have patience and trust that God will take care of me and my little kidney bean. Not only do I have to trust that a new person really is growing inside my womb, but I also have to act responsibly for my baby. This is a time that requires my faith to increase beyond what I know through my senses.
I don't necessarily feel closer to God at this moment, but I understand why the other mother does. Right now it's hard to connect with my baby, to even believe he or she is really there. So now is the time to throw myself into my Father's arms and trust Him, to let Him take care of us both. In becoming vulnerable, God will draw me close to Himself.
And my little kidney bean will continue to grow. Soon I will be able to hear a heart-beat and to feel little feet and hands punching me from inside out. I won't need to have faith that my baby is there because I will know from my sense experiences that he or she exists. I will have my "proof" at last. It makes this time important for my relationship with God. I understand why the those words have stuck with me. I have an opportunity at this moment to do more than just wait.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Walking Rosary
There is a wonderful tradition at Franciscan University - the walking rosary. On different nights of the week you will see groups of students praying the rosary together as they walk around campus. It doesn't matter what the weather may be - rain, snow, or just plain hot - the walking rosary still marches on.
It's a wonderful way to pray.
I don't know why, but it seems easier for me to meditate on the prayers of the rosary while walking. I think it might have to do with the chaos of every day life. Walking is calming, repetitive, and it involves my entire body. At my job, I sit in a chair for a good portion of my day. Walking for 20-30 minutes feels like freedom, a shrugging off of the work at the end of the day. I am able to walk slowly and leisurely, with no really destination in mind. I can usually find excuses not to pray the rosary if it will be sit-down event (you know, other work must be done). But when the rosary is combined with walking, I feel like I am getting twice as much out of my time, and therefore, it's a good use of my time.
Isn't it odd that when I pray a walking rosary I will move slowly and savor the moment, but when I try to sit down and pray all the unfinished tasks distract me?
Perhaps the walking rosary is a good type of prayer for me because it draws me out of my home (aka: another work environment) and away from distractions. There is a huge temptation to make every minute of my day "productive" because I work for 8 hours at my job and then I have a home to take care of in the evenings. I react to this temptation by either working like a crazy person to "catch up" until I fall into bed or (the more usual route) I just do nothing at all and ignore the work piling up around me. Obviously the best reaction lies in the middle somewhere. Taking time to remove myself from the situation and pray helps bring the middle ground into perspective.
So....
Monday night my neighbor and friend, May, and I decided to bring a little Franciscan spirit to Notre Dame. We instituted the first official ND walking rosary. It started out as a small group (just the 2 of us), but I have a feeling it will grow. We can guarantee to double in size when we enlist the hubbies to join us!
I just have a feeling that we are on the verge of something big. I can hardly describe it, but as we trod the first rosary path on Monday night I had an intimation that this was only the beginning. It really felt as though a piece of FUS was being planted in the ND soil, ready to grow and ripen into spiritual fruit. After one walking rosary I could sense a difference in myself. And I take hope in the notion that even if our walking rosary remains a group of two, "where two or three are gathered in [His] name" there is Christ in our midst.
It's a wonderful way to pray.
I don't know why, but it seems easier for me to meditate on the prayers of the rosary while walking. I think it might have to do with the chaos of every day life. Walking is calming, repetitive, and it involves my entire body. At my job, I sit in a chair for a good portion of my day. Walking for 20-30 minutes feels like freedom, a shrugging off of the work at the end of the day. I am able to walk slowly and leisurely, with no really destination in mind. I can usually find excuses not to pray the rosary if it will be sit-down event (you know, other work must be done). But when the rosary is combined with walking, I feel like I am getting twice as much out of my time, and therefore, it's a good use of my time.
Isn't it odd that when I pray a walking rosary I will move slowly and savor the moment, but when I try to sit down and pray all the unfinished tasks distract me?
Perhaps the walking rosary is a good type of prayer for me because it draws me out of my home (aka: another work environment) and away from distractions. There is a huge temptation to make every minute of my day "productive" because I work for 8 hours at my job and then I have a home to take care of in the evenings. I react to this temptation by either working like a crazy person to "catch up" until I fall into bed or (the more usual route) I just do nothing at all and ignore the work piling up around me. Obviously the best reaction lies in the middle somewhere. Taking time to remove myself from the situation and pray helps bring the middle ground into perspective.
So....
Monday night my neighbor and friend, May, and I decided to bring a little Franciscan spirit to Notre Dame. We instituted the first official ND walking rosary. It started out as a small group (just the 2 of us), but I have a feeling it will grow. We can guarantee to double in size when we enlist the hubbies to join us!
I just have a feeling that we are on the verge of something big. I can hardly describe it, but as we trod the first rosary path on Monday night I had an intimation that this was only the beginning. It really felt as though a piece of FUS was being planted in the ND soil, ready to grow and ripen into spiritual fruit. After one walking rosary I could sense a difference in myself. And I take hope in the notion that even if our walking rosary remains a group of two, "where two or three are gathered in [His] name" there is Christ in our midst.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
On the Eve of My 24th Birthday
I've been avoiding thoughts of my birthday the last couple of weeks - which is unusual for me. Typically, I have a count down rolling as soon as the New Year turns. I make sure to leave "subtle" reminders to all family, friends, and co-workers in the preceding birthday weeks. Some might even think me a little bit too excited about my celebration of entrance into this world.
What makes this year different? I suppose it is a different set of expectations I formed a year ago. I was so sure that my 23rd year would be amazing. I had a really good feeling about it. Afterall, 23 is a pleasant number, and 23 would be my age for 365 days, plus an one extra day for leap year. Big things were going to happen to me. I was going to arrive at my 24th birthday ridiculously advanced from the experiential knowledge gained in my 23rd year.
I guess it all recently hit me that most of my plans have remained unfulfilled. A lot of those plans revolved around a baby - or pregnancy, at the very least. In the last year I kept putting things off, in my anticipation of motherhood. I expected my life to change drastically in the near future, so what was the point of getting involved with weekly commitments I would have to quit just as quickly? I would only end up disappointing someone or being stressed out or something, I rationalized to myself.
The truth is that I have become lazy. It's easier to push off commitments or changes into the future instead of dealing with myself as I am at this very moment. I don't feel guilty for sitting on the couch if I convince myself that a) I'll work out tomorrow instead, or b) I am just going to get pregnant (and fat) soon and it will be a waste of energy anyway. It's easy to convince myself not to become involved in activities with my parish or neighbors when I am sure that my days will soon change from employed 40-hour work weeks to stay-at-home 80-hour work weeks.
Today I finally faced what I have been avoiding - a look back at the past year. My life has changed, I can't deny it. I am coming up on one year as a full-time salaried employee (as opposed to a temporary worker). Ryan's graduate work has taken a different course, leading him down a better path. I have really been getting to know my baby sister, since she joined the ND family as a freshman last August. I've changed apartments and been able to spend much more quality time with my FUS neighbors. I have strengthened my photography skills with our new digital camera. I've finally started to set down roots in our new parish. And I've been asked the most wonderful of all requests - to be a Matron of Honor in Aislinn's wedding. Indeed, there have been many good and satisfying events in my 23rd year.
It's just that my greatest desire remains unfulfilled. I wish to be a mother. And I was so sure that I would happen in my 23rd year.
Today I didn't just face my disappointment - I also stopped making excuses for laziness. I don't know when I will become a mother. At this moment, however, I have to throw off my hesitations and start living vibrantly again. It's time to cast off my deficient plans and strive towards God's perfect plans. Iplan hope to have a wonderful birthday tomorrow, no matter what it brings.
What makes this year different? I suppose it is a different set of expectations I formed a year ago. I was so sure that my 23rd year would be amazing. I had a really good feeling about it. Afterall, 23 is a pleasant number, and 23 would be my age for 365 days, plus an one extra day for leap year. Big things were going to happen to me. I was going to arrive at my 24th birthday ridiculously advanced from the experiential knowledge gained in my 23rd year.
I guess it all recently hit me that most of my plans have remained unfulfilled. A lot of those plans revolved around a baby - or pregnancy, at the very least. In the last year I kept putting things off, in my anticipation of motherhood. I expected my life to change drastically in the near future, so what was the point of getting involved with weekly commitments I would have to quit just as quickly? I would only end up disappointing someone or being stressed out or something, I rationalized to myself.
The truth is that I have become lazy. It's easier to push off commitments or changes into the future instead of dealing with myself as I am at this very moment. I don't feel guilty for sitting on the couch if I convince myself that a) I'll work out tomorrow instead, or b) I am just going to get pregnant (and fat) soon and it will be a waste of energy anyway. It's easy to convince myself not to become involved in activities with my parish or neighbors when I am sure that my days will soon change from employed 40-hour work weeks to stay-at-home 80-hour work weeks.
Today I finally faced what I have been avoiding - a look back at the past year. My life has changed, I can't deny it. I am coming up on one year as a full-time salaried employee (as opposed to a temporary worker). Ryan's graduate work has taken a different course, leading him down a better path. I have really been getting to know my baby sister, since she joined the ND family as a freshman last August. I've changed apartments and been able to spend much more quality time with my FUS neighbors. I have strengthened my photography skills with our new digital camera. I've finally started to set down roots in our new parish. And I've been asked the most wonderful of all requests - to be a Matron of Honor in Aislinn's wedding. Indeed, there have been many good and satisfying events in my 23rd year.
It's just that my greatest desire remains unfulfilled. I wish to be a mother. And I was so sure that I would happen in my 23rd year.
Today I didn't just face my disappointment - I also stopped making excuses for laziness. I don't know when I will become a mother. At this moment, however, I have to throw off my hesitations and start living vibrantly again. It's time to cast off my deficient plans and strive towards God's perfect plans. I
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Reflections on an Orlando Spring Break
The best part about having a husband in graduate school is living vicariously through his spring breaks. Even though I now work in the "real world" my hubby still provides those good old college perks. This year we both craved a little sunshine and decided to travel to Orlando for a long weekend.
The plan: soak up the sun and read all day long by the pool
The reality: unseasonably cold weather and confusion about the purpose of taking a vacation in the first place
The good news: coming home feeling refreshed in our daily lives and invigorated in our marriage
I'm the kind of person who likes to make a plan - and I tend to react badly when forced to deviate from it. This kind of rigidity makes it difficult for me to yield to God's plans a lot of the time. I also tend to become most obsessive with my travel plans. In my very worst moment (missing the plane to Austria and melting down into a complete sobbing mess in the airport) the thought came to me that I should try to be more flexible.
This Orlando weekend gave me ample room to practice my flexibility. I had to reconsider my vacation philosophy. What else besides sunshine could make our vacation worthwhile? How could I find satisfaction beyond my unfulfilled vacation plans? If I've just spent the last week at home, sick and attached at the hip to Ryan, how could I make our vacation time together special and romantic?
I realized that if I opened my eyes to the gifts surrounding me, the little inconveniences would diminish - I had to throw away my expectations of the perfect vacation and just enjoy the experience.
Ryan and I were blessed with a wonderful vacation. We soaked in the beauty of the resort, tasted fine wine and cuisine (I won't eat fish unless I am near the ocean!), slowed down our pace, and really looked into each other's eyes as we talked. We also spent a wonderful afternoon with my college roommate, Farrah, who we haven't seen since our wedding day. We went exploring through Downtown Disney (hey, it's the only "free" place in the park) and rediscovered our childhood in all the little shops. I even managed to snag a little sunburn, despite the uncooperative weather.
All in all, it was one of the few vacations I ended feeling relaxed and not overly tired from excessive excursions. I also discovered that Ryan and I don't really need a romantic get-away at this point in our relationship. We keep the flame going in our every-day life. The best part of the vacation was spending time with Farrah. Until Ryan and I have children (and, therefore, the need for a romantic get-away), my vacation philosophy will include quality time with friends and family. Because of the setbacks during this vacation, I learned a little bit more about ditching my well-laid plans and following the Lord's plans instead.
***
Oh, the joys of air travel
Me (noticing the light flashing and siren ringing for another baggage claim): Where is our little flashy light and siren? It's my favorite part!
Ryan: We already missed it because it goes off before the luggage carousel starts moving.
Me: I like it because it reminds me of casino jackpots. Here's your luggage. You win.
The plan: soak up the sun and read all day long by the pool
The reality: unseasonably cold weather and confusion about the purpose of taking a vacation in the first place
The good news: coming home feeling refreshed in our daily lives and invigorated in our marriage
I'm the kind of person who likes to make a plan - and I tend to react badly when forced to deviate from it. This kind of rigidity makes it difficult for me to yield to God's plans a lot of the time. I also tend to become most obsessive with my travel plans. In my very worst moment (missing the plane to Austria and melting down into a complete sobbing mess in the airport) the thought came to me that I should try to be more flexible.
This Orlando weekend gave me ample room to practice my flexibility. I had to reconsider my vacation philosophy. What else besides sunshine could make our vacation worthwhile? How could I find satisfaction beyond my unfulfilled vacation plans? If I've just spent the last week at home, sick and attached at the hip to Ryan, how could I make our vacation time together special and romantic?
I realized that if I opened my eyes to the gifts surrounding me, the little inconveniences would diminish - I had to throw away my expectations of the perfect vacation and just enjoy the experience.
Ryan and I were blessed with a wonderful vacation. We soaked in the beauty of the resort, tasted fine wine and cuisine (I won't eat fish unless I am near the ocean!), slowed down our pace, and really looked into each other's eyes as we talked. We also spent a wonderful afternoon with my college roommate, Farrah, who we haven't seen since our wedding day. We went exploring through Downtown Disney (hey, it's the only "free" place in the park) and rediscovered our childhood in all the little shops. I even managed to snag a little sunburn, despite the uncooperative weather.
All in all, it was one of the few vacations I ended feeling relaxed and not overly tired from excessive excursions. I also discovered that Ryan and I don't really need a romantic get-away at this point in our relationship. We keep the flame going in our every-day life. The best part of the vacation was spending time with Farrah. Until Ryan and I have children (and, therefore, the need for a romantic get-away), my vacation philosophy will include quality time with friends and family. Because of the setbacks during this vacation, I learned a little bit more about ditching my well-laid plans and following the Lord's plans instead.
***
Oh, the joys of air travel
Me (noticing the light flashing and siren ringing for another baggage claim): Where is our little flashy light and siren? It's my favorite part!
Ryan: We already missed it because it goes off before the luggage carousel starts moving.
Me: I like it because it reminds me of casino jackpots. Here's your luggage. You win.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Confessions
I have a confession make: I am a Catholic mom wannabe.
So what does this confession have to do with a blog? Well, I was inspired last week. I am not exactly the most technologically savvy person - please forgive me for my ignorance - and I literally just realized that there is an entire genre of blogging that includes Catholic mothers who stay at home and care for their families. Wow. Suddenly my world expanded. There are women online who actually do what I crave to do - stay at home and be a mom. Not just any kind of mom, but a Catholic mom.
Where am I at right now? I am halfway to motherhood. As my blog title indicates, I am married to a graduate student. My husband Ryan is plowing through his second year of five in a Ph.D. track at the University of Notre Dame. We want to start a family soon, but have yet to be blessed with children. I spend most of my time at a job on campus and waiting to be delivered from the workforce.
I have another confession to make: My life is lacking satisfaction. I've begun to realize that I need more substance in my life than logging 40 hours a week for a paycheck and coming home to snuggle up with Netflix in the evenings. This brings me back to my inspiration - Catholic mother blogs. A friend recently sent me a link to "Et tu?" and I can't stop reading this blog. Here is a woman living the life I want to start and inspiring me to delve deeper into my Catholic faith. I am totally hooked and I would like to join in on the discussion. I have a feeling it will be more edifying to hang out on blogspot.com than people.com (a pastime that has frequently quenched my boredom at work).
So, here I am. If anyone chooses to read my blog, I will be thrilled. If I am writing into the abyss, that's ok too.
So what does this confession have to do with a blog? Well, I was inspired last week. I am not exactly the most technologically savvy person - please forgive me for my ignorance - and I literally just realized that there is an entire genre of blogging that includes Catholic mothers who stay at home and care for their families. Wow. Suddenly my world expanded. There are women online who actually do what I crave to do - stay at home and be a mom. Not just any kind of mom, but a Catholic mom.
Where am I at right now? I am halfway to motherhood. As my blog title indicates, I am married to a graduate student. My husband Ryan is plowing through his second year of five in a Ph.D. track at the University of Notre Dame. We want to start a family soon, but have yet to be blessed with children. I spend most of my time at a job on campus and waiting to be delivered from the workforce.
I have another confession to make: My life is lacking satisfaction. I've begun to realize that I need more substance in my life than logging 40 hours a week for a paycheck and coming home to snuggle up with Netflix in the evenings. This brings me back to my inspiration - Catholic mother blogs. A friend recently sent me a link to "Et tu?" and I can't stop reading this blog. Here is a woman living the life I want to start and inspiring me to delve deeper into my Catholic faith. I am totally hooked and I would like to join in on the discussion. I have a feeling it will be more edifying to hang out on blogspot.com than people.com (a pastime that has frequently quenched my boredom at work).
So, here I am. If anyone chooses to read my blog, I will be thrilled. If I am writing into the abyss, that's ok too.
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