Concidence? Ryan Thinks Not.

Ryan was on hall duty tonight. Since I can't seem to find my way to bed while he is still awake, I spent the evening watching movies & clicking around the internet. I stumbled onto this blog, which, coincidentally, speaks of issues I am currently battling: gluttony, sloth, & weight loss.

*Sigh*

I am convicted. I have to make "induced exercise" a priority. I must learn patience (because it sounds like my exercise won't become an enjoyable habit for at least a year). I'm gonna have to get off my duff and surrender my lazy ways.

More on this topic later.

Best Diet I've Ever Been On

It's been 18 weeks and 4 days of pregnancy so far. According to most pregnancy sources, the normal weight gain over 9 months is 25 to 35 pounds. I am determined to make this range of weight gain a reality - especially after my mother has freaked me out with stories of gaining 50 pounds each time.

As of this week, I've gained a net of only 4 pounds. The thing is, I'm getting quite big round the middle. And my husband tells me that I look skinnier in other places, like my chubby face. So, I have a hypothesis:

The extra 10 pounds I was carrying around pre-pregnancy are slowly being converted into actual baby weight. The baby is getting bigger and I'm getting smaller -hence the low level net weight gain thus far.

I have to say, this is the best "diet" I've ever been on. I can eat anything I want, I crave healthy food, I don't have a desire to eat really sweet or processed foods, and no matter how inactive I tend to be, I am actually losing weight/fat in all the non-pregnancy places! Wow. And I hear breastfeeding is even better (aka: I get to eat even more).

In all seriousness, I think the pregnancy has actually helped my mind re-prioritize food. I used to emotionally eat and idealize food. Now I eat because I'm hungry and I have to eat. The little baby in womb is very demanding about that. There are even times when I don't take any pleasure from eating, it's just a necessity. And there's a freedom in this lack of pleasure. It means I can no longer emotionally eat - it just doesn't taste good!

Who knew that the antidote to over-eating was being required to eat all the time?

Where Does All the Time Go When I Have Nothing to Do?

I've noticed: on the days I have less required of me I am less efficient with my time overall.

It's a curious phenomenon. You'd think that with more time on my hands I would naturally spend it doing more of those necessary daily tasks. However, I've found quite the opposite to be true. I prefer to do nothing at all!

Here's an example: This week was the first in a long time that I've had every single evening free of commitments. But as I contemplate the past week I realize that all those little projects I've left "until later" are still waiting for me to finish them. Plus I just plain stopped doing household chores - such as dishes & laundry.

What have I been doing with my time? Hmm... Reading my new baby books, watching movies, and updating Facebook. It's all very important - at least that's what I tell myself.

I think it's all boils down to discipline - or the lack thereof. When my schedule is full I am required to discipline myself for the sake of my sanity. But it's not be a real, life-changing type of discipline I put on. It's actually the college style I've-got-a-paper-due-tomorrow-morning-and-I-procrastinated-until-now type of discipline. Fleeting.

As I was reading my new baby books (The Baby Sleep Book & The Baby Book by William & Martha Sears) it dawned on me that I'm never going to be able to handle a new baby if my life is already in chaos at 4 months pregnant. I've got to set a basic standard before the baby arrives. How can I expect to teach my baby when/how to sleep if I don't have a regular sleep pattern for myself? And how can I expect to get on a regular sleep pattern with a newborn if I've never had set schedule before?! (I do realize that there is no such thing as a "regular sleep pattern" with a newborn - but I'm learning that you can teach babies the difference between night and day, which leads to an eventual bedtime.)

The moral of my ponderings? I must return to the roots of discipline. I am motivated. I've wasted a week. But now I'm motivated.

Or maybe I'm yet again on the eve of a college paper....

Let's hope this change is for real. I'll report back to you to keep myself accountable. Now I've put it out there I've got to do it.

Eating for Two (or; Having to Eat is Not as Fun as Wanting to Eat!)

The first question I am asked these days is "how are you feeling?" Most of time time I can smile and claim that I don't really feel different. Maybe I am more tired and hungry than before pregnancy - but mostly I feel the same as I did two months ago. Since a few days ago I think a different answer is required of me.

I am very lucky. I haven't been sick. But I don't feel "well" either. I am in a constant state of uneasiness and slight upset stomach. It's not the kind of thing that debilitates me - it's just annoying. And I am beginning to feel little bit less excited about being pregnant. I mean, no one told me that it would be a breeze, but somehow I had the distinct impression that I would feel blissful through the majority of my pregnancy. Aren't pregnant women supposed to be so happy and glowing?

I keep thinking about the conversation I had with my mother and grandmother the day I told them the good news. They both assured me they never suffered from morning sickness. But my mom told me that she constantly ate to stave off the feelings of nausea. She said she gained her 25-30 by the time 6 months rolled around because she was eating all the time! Oh, no. I am so prepared not to gain anymore weight than what is necessary!

I think I am beginning to understand just why my mother ate so frequently.

Since becoming pregnant, I've found out that I am required to eat more often. I am not talking about they stereotypical "eating for two cause it's just an excuse to gorge myself." When I feel hungry I also feel sick. And then my blood sugar drops and I feel faint. I actually have to put food in my body or it gets angry at me! Eating frequently also requires extra meal preparation. I have to bring twice as much food to work to last me throughout the day. And it has be high in protein (or it's just not worth the time it takes to eat it). *sigh* It's a lot of work to eat properly these days.

I can't help but compare my current eating habits to those in my past. Gluttony has always been a temptation for me. I love to enjoy food! If I'm watching TV or a movie, I've got to have something to munch on. At dinner I always grab seconds - and one cookie is never enough to satisfy my craving. My freshman year of college I gained my frosh 20 in the first semester (thanks, in part, to the all-you-can-eat buffet). Since college I've battled with my weight, at least mentally/emotionally, but I've not been successful at permanently curbing my eating habits.

Now it would seem that I can finally relax about food. I will gain weight - and that's a good thing, not to mention an unavoidable change. I have a free pass to give into my cravings and eat exactly what I want when I want it. The only problem is that I don't really enjoy eating anymore! It's become more of a chore than a pleasure. And, to top it all off, I never really feel settled or satisfied after I've eaten.

Well, I keep thinking that I've got one more month to slug it through the not-fun part of pregnancy. I keep hearing that the 2nd trimester is the best trimester. It's going to be great. I can just feel it. At the very least, it's something to focus on while I am dealing with the next four weeks!

And as I suffer through weird changes in my body, I always have something to offer up in prayer. I'm trying to remember to focus beyond myself. There's always someone who needs a prayer more than I do.

Yes. I am sick today and have nothing else to do with my time...

So, I have spent most of my day sitting in bed (very "soft and delicious" as one friend would describe it) wading through the blogosphere. My sifting led me to an old blog post from my semester spent abroad. It almost took my breath away, revisiting my old thoughts from a time when I seemed to possess more wisdom than I realized. At least, the words are a new wisdom to the me sitting here (in bed) today.

Anyway, I thought I would share. The post describes a walk I took in Medjugorje in 2004.

I decided to walk up the rocky mountain barefoot. I had heard about others doing it, and I was so excited to add that physical penance to my spiritual prayer of the Stations of the Cross on the way up. And it was demanding. I think it took nearly two hours for us to reach the peak of the mountain.

But how can I explain how rewarding it was to experience that walk? I noticed that when I looked up the big rocks looked the most daunting. I was wary about walking through them. However, I quickly learned that the smaller stones were the sharpest and most painful to walk over. The larger stones had been rubbed smooth from millions of pilgrim feet over the past twenty years. And I saw how the rocks related to my life. The big sins in my life look the most daunting. I think that I will never get over them, or find forgiveness with them, or heal from them. And when I approach the big ones, it is always easier than I expected. The small stones represent the tiny day to day sins in my life. They cut the most because they are the hardest to rid myself of - and I am challenged every day by them. They are the tiny vices that create the biggest problems. I felt as if I had walked through the sins in my life on the Cross Mountain. I was performing a penance for my life with my body, but my soul was left to gaze at the beauty of the mountains and to speak with God in my heart.

...The way down Cross Mountain all I could think was how incredibly thankful I was for the simple gift of shoes in my life.